Random Jokes of the Day
| Humor contained herein does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of certain people with bugs up their asses. |
| A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the ... A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks."I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!" There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing ... There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help."Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?""Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test." What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?Divorce him. Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out ... Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset."You're running around with other women," she charged."You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve."What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded."Counting your ribs!" A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the ... A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!" When was the longest day in the Bible? When was the longest day in the Bible?The day Adam was created because there was no Eve. Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and ... Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him."Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.Nathan tells them, "Guys, we're drinking to my impending death. I've been diagnosed with AIDS." His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand."Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone." What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase? What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?Branch Manager. I am on my sea food diet right now! ... I am on my sea food diet right now!How does it work?Whenever I see food I eat it! A soldier ran up to a Nun. Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under ... A soldier ran up to a Nun. Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt I'll explain later."The nun accepted his request.A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked: "Sister have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied: "He went that way."After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. I hope you will understand, "I don't want to go to Iraq."The nun said: "I understand completely".The soldier added: "I hope I am not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ballsI don't want to go to Iraq either." |
