Random Jokes of the Day
| Humor contained herein does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of certain people with bugs up their asses. |
| How is lightning like a violist's fingers? How is lightning like a violist's fingers?Neither one strikes in the same place twice. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..." There was a boy who had to use an outhouse and he hated it sooo bad. One day it ... There was a boy who had to use an outhouse and he hated it sooo bad. One day it started to rain really hard and it got the bank all slippery and wet so he decided to push it off. He did it and later that night his father asked him if he pushed off the outhouse.He said: "Yes."His father told his son to come with him to get his whipping.The boy said: "George Washington didn't get in trouble when he chopped down the cherry tree because he was honest."The boys father said: "but George Washingtons father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down." A farmer says to his wife: "If you had bigger tit’s, I’d get rid of the cow! ... A farmer says to his wife: "If you had bigger tit’s, I’d get rid of the cow!"Wife replies: "If you had a bigger c**k, I’d get rid of the tractor driver!" A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so ... A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion." Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't ... Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier ... A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes.""Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?""Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!" Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't ... Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers.""Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent." What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?The coffin has the dead person on the inside. A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a ... A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived?The German. He was out practicing marching. |
