Note: We've had this posted for a couple of years. But
it's been making the rounds again credited to Ted Nugent. Somebody remind
us to ask him if that's true next time we talk to him.
I am a BAD American
I am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I like big cars,
big cigars and big tits without artificial ingredients. I believe
the money I make belongs to me and my family, not to some mid-level
bureaucrat with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack
addicts squirting out babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate. I know that playing with
guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts
for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't
care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I shouldn't
have to be tolerant of others only because they are different. I know
that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want
to see it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it
in English. I like my porn with or without silicon. I don't use the
excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for socialist
opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap.
I don't care if getting a bj is sex, and every man is entitled
to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition
of lying "is". I think Oprah is annoying, and self grandizing.
Who else would start a magazine and only have herself on the cover. If
she took her head out of her ass for a moment, she might find her spirit
once and for all. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T
or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn't give
you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite
or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray
to their own God or gods, and they can do it in their schools. I think
the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Babe Ruth, John
Wayne, and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman."
I think gratuitous nudity and sex and creative violence make movies
more interesting and Iraqis deader. I don't hate the rich. I don't
pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock kicks ass. I
think global warming is junk science. I've never owned or was a slave
and I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased
out of Egypt and I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by
the Turks and NEITHER HAVE YOU, so SHUTUP already.
"Rocky and Bullwinkle" still makes me laugh. I think you
can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe
a self-righteous liberal out to Save The Earth is more dangerous than
a Play Station. I want to know which church is it exactly where the
"Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches.
I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen is putting
her tongue this week. I think cops should have Something Better To
Do than snatching Elian Gonzalez at gunpoint to ship him back to a
totalitarian dictatorship. I thought "Spinal Tap" was great,
but Rob Reiner can still kiss my ass. I worry about dying before I
get even. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through "The
Sixth Sense" but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks.
I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's
wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers
the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be some gang-banging
homies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise
a child - it takes a parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine
if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I like good friends, good liquor and a good bowel movement first
thing in the morning. I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp
to pick out a couch for your living room.
I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry were "Ole
Yeller" and "The Sands of Iwo Jima". I didn't realize
Dr. Seuss was a genius until I grew up. I will not conform or compromise
just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my
soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few
more steps and I crush my cigarettes out on the curb.
Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid. I'm neither
angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream
media would like the world to believe otherwise. Yeah, I'm a Bad American!!
Submitted by Jonathan Hastings (author