ROCK 103 Wake-Up Crew: How To Sing The Blues
HOW
TO SING THE BLUES
Also known as "Post-Graduate Blues" -
attrib. Memphis Earlene Gray. Copyright © 1997 by Judith Podell. Used by
permission.
1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something
else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."
4. The blues are not about limitless choices.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So
does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. (NOTE: Johny Lang is
old enough to be tried as an adult)
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in
Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City
are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe e. peach
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway b. the jail house c. an empty bed
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Kmart b. Gallery openings c. weekends in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old
black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b.you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. Ever.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues
beverages are:
a. malt liquor b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink b. Any kosher Passover wine c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the
back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse,
or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during
a liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17. Some Blues Names for Men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Junior
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no
matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
18. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Now you're ready to sing the blues |
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