Halloween is coming soon, and it's never too early to practice these
safety tips. Here are some rules to keep you safe on Halloween:
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check
to see if it's really dead. It isn't.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement or attic, even if the power is out.
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
that they should not know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them
will save you much grief in the long run; however, it will take
several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies
to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule
also applies to any other house of the dead.
- If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and
find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.
- If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits. Again, get the hell out.
- Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like
it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.
- If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you're doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice--more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note
that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania,
Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in
Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small
town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts.
- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not
go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If
you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought
you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going
to die anyway and most likely be eaten.
- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.
- If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now
is the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies
to previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died
in some horrible fashion.
Submitted by Michael Burns