For those who had trouble following the presidential debates,
we've prepared this translation of what was said. Enjoy.
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al
Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these
rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question
and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women
The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten
senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired,
I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible
statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the
name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in
a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly kissed the
way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage,
the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent
wants to cut taxes for the richest 1% of Americans. I, on the other
hand, want to put the richest 1% in an ironclad lockbox so they can't
hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs.
Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to
pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify
problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.
I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions,
unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were
to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able
to pronounce his name?
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing would do about
that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick
would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then
Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas,
I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how
we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.
I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of
poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian
War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly kissed Tipper
in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm
entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably
with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad
lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort
them with simple metaphors.
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed
changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion
over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee
who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to
do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether
I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit
funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
It's time for closing statements. Mr. Gore, you can start.
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will
fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning
the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
one but Republicans.
Submitted by Terry Gallagher