A Message To Northerners Visiting Memphis for The Holidays
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them
cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or
we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton).
We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried
to do that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit
Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll
kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic
beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
3) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
4) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun
of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here
and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after
it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize
our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass!
Submitted by Greg Christian (author unknown)