ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus
by David Bibb
CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today
that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr.
Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that
information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law
enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are
considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children's
rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been
engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo
in which reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of
workers in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization,
"...clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to
free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the
security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being
made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that
they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice
Department stated that, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and
teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will
testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the
same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on
possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not
show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items
he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of
the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the
goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU
are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His
supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in
no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the
civil rights of children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not
a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently
has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but
it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said,
"I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be
rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice
Department will discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or
possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.