Warning: Some of these jokes have offensive language. If that will bother
you, stop reading now.
If you want a real Michael Jackson tribute, click here (if you're into that sort of thing).
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the
World."
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A:
"Don't let your son go down on me."
Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic
surgery on his pecker.
Then the description the California Justice Dept got
from the little boy won't fit anymore.
Another rumor has it that he's finally
going all the way and changing gender entirely.
Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person,
now he wants to be A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIEST.
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy
Blew.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue
who?
Michael Jackson.
Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me
feel, it really turns me on!"
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the
road?
A: "I'll be there!"
If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names
of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched
me"
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite rock song?
A: Sweet Child O'
Mine.
Q: What was the first thing Michael Jackson did when he heard Sweet Child O'
Mine?
A: Called Guns N' Roses to see if they could share some of their
children with him.
I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul
music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of
my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson have a tough guy reputation?
A: He has licked
every kid possible.
Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant:
He's
invited Lorena Bobbitt over.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks
are for KIDS!"
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both
played with little wieners.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old
wiener!
Q: Did you hear Micheal Jackson was found dead?
A: He got food poisoning
from an 11 year old wiener.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A:
Because he ate all the kids' wieners.
Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned
on by kids!!!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both
leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know
how to rear a child.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both
play ball in the Minor League.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A:
One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A:
One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys.
Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since
his first moon landing.
It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the
first civilians to travel into space.
A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're
fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he
gives the well behaved kids a special gift...
Q: What does Micheal Jackson eat after his Chrismas dinner?
A: An under
eight.
Q: Where's Michael going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the
kids.
Q: Why were Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: They belonged to somebody
else.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both have
small boys pants at half off!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both wait 3
months after the child is born to give piercings.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart?
A: He heard they had small boys
pants half off.
Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's
suit?
A: A happy meal.
McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"...
It has 35
year old meat inside 5 year old buns.
The new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson.
It consists of
matured beef between two fresh white buns.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson not like eating at Taco Bell?
A: Because he
doesn't want to think outside the bun.
Q: What did Michael Jackson order at the Chinese restaraunt?
A: Sum Yung
Boy!
Q: What do Michael's rear and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the
juice.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't
his!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a
Youngstown there.
Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A:
He was choking on a small bone!
Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35
year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both
30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.
Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A:
Because there are twenty of them!
An engineer, a lawyer and Michael Jackson are all asked the same question,
"What is 2+2?".
The engineer says, "Well, it is almost 4, but never actually
reaches it."
The lawyer says. "Hm, case files seem to say it is 4."
Then
they looked at Michael figuring he would get it wrong, then he said, "That's
easy! The age of the boys I like!"
Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind
reaching bottom.
Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A:
Michael Jackson's hand!
Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's
underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in
brown, and comes out white.
Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
Home Alone
Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He's like the
little boy he never had.
Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a
slip of the tongue.
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my
sun!
Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat?
A: Throw me
the bouy!!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a Big Wheel
parked outside his house!
Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the
Big Wheels in his driveway.
Q: How does Michael like to party?
A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim Jims.
Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite dish?
A: Creamed shrimp.
Q: Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA... Guess which town?
A:
Dubois.
Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year
olds.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to
two packs a day.
Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off
to the side. Then ask, "What's this?" "Dunno."
"Michael Jackson helping a kid
put his coat on."
Q: What do Michael Jackson and PS2 have in common?
A: Little boys turn
them on.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and zits have in common?
A: They both wait till
your 12 to come on your face!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in
small tots.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?
A: They both
come in tots.
Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under Eights.
Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner?
A: Instead of
after eight mints, he gives them under eight children.
Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael
Jackson.
Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little
can.
It's only a Michael Jackson DOLL, mother!!!
Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's white
chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it)
Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like candy from a baby.
Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When
the crib breaks.
Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in
Webster's.
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got
children out the ass.
I'm still a virgin and I'm fore-tee-three, not even Madonna will have sex
with me... Hee hee hee!!
I'm still a virgin, and I'm fore-tee-fore, not even
Madonna will nok on my door... hee hee hee!!
Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A:
"Sh*t happens!"
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A: Because it hurts.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore
from the kids last night,
Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
Janet: Shall we get a
pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladin?
Janet: No,
just a pizza and video.
Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, what shall we
do?"
To which Debbie replied "I know we'll get a video."
Michael then said
"Great, I'll get Aladdin."
Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been in
trouble for that before."
Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. -- you know in a few years they'll probably
change his name to:
"The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby".
IT'S A PLAN
LONDON (Reuter) -- Pop superstar Michael Jackson proudly
showed off his infant son, Prince, in a photo exclusive and interview published
by a British magazine Tuesday, declaring, "I want my son to live a normal
life."
Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
A: Which one's
mommy?
On November 19, 2002, Michael Jackson was photographed displaying 9 month old
Prince Michael II to a throng of 200 fans by dangling him over the fourth floor
balcony of the Adlon Hotel in Berlin. Prince Michael II had a white towel
wrapped around his head. Perhaps Prince Michael II was recovering from plastic
surgery because Michael thought that he looked too human.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he
overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.
Michael Jackson has been spotted dangling children from a balcony
again.
It makes a change because he usually tosses them off!!!
So Michael Jackson held his kid out above a crowd from the fire
escape....
"What was he trying to do?!" "One-up Eric Clapton."
We recently heard Michael Jackson screaming: "Beat it, Beat it!"
Michael Jackson should have taken his own advise and just "beat it beat it
beat it beat it", and he wouldn't be in the trouble that he is today.
Michael decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent
them at $2 Million a pop.
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered
him.
Q: How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
A: Liquefy some
assets.
Q: Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
A: The big payoff comes a couple of
months later.
Q: Why does Michael like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.
Q: How did Michael get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.
Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems?
A: He's holding his own.
Q: How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
A: They're all
standing behind him.
Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
A: Anal
retention.
Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
A: He
likes to come in a little behind.
Have you heard that Michael Jackson was spotted in the River Thames in London
recently. At 1st it was thought that it was a suicide attempt but it was
realized that he was just clinging onto a small buoy.
Michael Jackson was on his multi-million yacht off the Keys. It went down.
The Coast Guard went looking; the Marines went looking; in the end it was OK
though -- they found him bobbing up and down on a buoy.
Michael Jackson is opening a new Stations casino in Vegas...
...It will be
called MolleStation.
Q: What was the big break in the Michael Jackson molestation case?
A: A
doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found
... a
white glove.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson wear a glove?
A: So he won't leave
fingerprints on the kids.
Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys
underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson wear a pair of boys' underwear on his arm?
A:
It's a patch -- He's trying to quit.
Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from
going OW! OW! OW!.
Michael Jackson canceled a world tour on November 12, 1993, citing a
dependence on pain killers.
Singer Michael Jackson abandoned his Dangerous world tour in 1994 after he
became addicted to prescription painkillers, which he started taking after scalp
surgery -- his hair had caught fire while filming a Pepsi commercial. http://www.solpadeinehelp.org.uk/realmag.php
The publishers of "Where's Waldo?" have jumped on the Multi-media bandwagon.
This week they will be releasing a CD-ROM called "Where's Michael?" which
features elusive pop star Michael Jackson. Users of the CD-ROM search through a
virtual world of exclusive resorts and drug-rehab centers for Mr. Jackson, who
will be obscured by hordes of bodyguards and lawyers. The only users who will be
able to find Michael will be little boys, who will then be encouraged by a 3-D
Jackson to find his Waldo.
Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 boy scouts when it hit an iceberg and
started to sink.
The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon
ship!"
Michael asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied,
"F*ck the children!"
Michael looked around eagerly and asked "Do we have
time?"
Cliff Richard, Sid Vicious, and Michael Jackson were in a plane when it
suddenly crashed on a cliff.
Richard shouted out "Save the children!"
Sid
Vicious said "Screw them!"
Michael Jackson asked have "We got that long?"
A little eight year old boy is distraught because his parents have just been
killed in a horrible car accident. He had no other family, so he is now an
orphan, doomed to a life on the streets. He's sitting in the gutter in the
pouring rain, sobbing his little heart out, with no money and no hope, cold and
freezing and soaking wet.
Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out
steps Michael Jackson.
"Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson.
The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story.
A look of pity on
Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers
and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He
thought it was a delivery service.
Q: Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A: Boys 'R Us.
The date for Michael Jackson's trial has been set.
His name is Aaron and
he's 8 years old.
Q: What does Michael call an orgy?
A: A fruit salad.
Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside
him.
Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
A: Yeah, but he still
feels like a 13 year old.
Q: What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
A: Both have held
lots of wet balls in their hands.
Allstate Agent to me: "Are you in good hands?"
My reply: "Yes I am, as
long as they are not Michael Jackson's." (Thanks to RangerJim93)
Q: Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for?
A: Michael
Jackson. (Thanks to RangerJim93)
Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber
party.
Q: What's "black-white" and purple?
A: Michael Jackson's dick after a
slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the
big hand touches the little hand...
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite game to play at night?
A: Hide the
pickle in the pajamas.
Q: What child's game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland
ranch?
A: Got your nose! Put it back!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
A: They both come on
crackers.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They
both like a little crack now and then.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic?
A: To get
over his 11 year crack habit.
Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack
addict.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug
rehab?
A: You know, I feel like a new boy!
Q: What did Michael Jackson exclaim when he say he returned from the health
spa?
A: I feel like a new boy.
Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the
cracks.
MICHAEL JACKSON'S BABY
I heard that shortly before having Michael
Jackson's baby, the woman who was impregnated by him was asked some questions by
some reporters:
Reporter: Have you been able to determine its sex?
Woman:
No. I want to wait until after it's born. As long as it's healthy.
Reporter:
Ma'am, I was referring to Michael.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson had a baby boy last week?
Yup, it's true
... and the week before that he had a 12 year old boy.
Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!
He asked his wife's
doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he
should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
Rumor has it that Michael Jackson's baby was conceived through artificial
insemination. Pee Wee Herman was best man at the wedding. Coincidence? I think
not.
Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A:
Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It's all very tongue in
cheek.
Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's Play.
Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael
Jackson?
A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little
children,
and the other is used to hold groceries.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
A: A
fridge doesn't toot after you take your meat out of it!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
A: A
microwave won't brown your meat!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't
come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is
pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
A: One is
completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being.
Q: What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
A: Michael's
been able to have kids.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One
was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A:
Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests
won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called "The
In's and Out's of Child Rearing".
Q: What is the title of Michael Jackson's next book?
A: It's called
"Penetrating the Secrets of Children".
Q: What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A: The Kids in the
Hall.
Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series?
A: Anus and Andy.
Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a
lot to plug.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson late for the circus?
A: He couldn't get the
stains out of his clown suit.
Recently Michael opened an amusement park...
You have to be at least 4
feet tall to ride Michael!
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin
training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping
and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Q: What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
A:
They both come in a little behind.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
A: Both
ride 4 year olds.
Q: What's the difference btw Michael Jackson and Mick Dittman?
A: Mick
Dittman DOES have a license to ride 4 year olds.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a racing jockey?
A:
A jockey can mount three year olds legally.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A:
The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the PLO?
A: The PLO
pulled out of Jordan.
Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both
pulled out of Jordan.
Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A:
Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi!
Q: Have you heard about the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor
have started?
A: It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund.
It's been reported that Michael Jackson will appear at a fund raiser to help
raise money for Democrats.
In a related story Tito Jackson is going to appear
at a fund raiser to help raise money for Tito Jackson.
Q: What do you call Michael Jackson, with no money?
A: Tito.
Q: What do you call Michael Jackson with a suntan?
A: LaToya.
In an effort to dissuade all this bad publicity, Michael Jackson has pledged
a significant amount of his fortune to found a new university. It's going to be
called, "Bring 'em Young."
Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend
more time with the kids.
Q: Who's happy when Michael Jackson gets a boy to stay over?
A:
Bubbles.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A: He saw someone blowing
bubbles and thought he'd join in.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A: He was stuck to the little
boy carrying the chicken.
Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing
bubbles!
Q: Why is Michael Jackson's album new entitled "Bad"?
A: Because he
couldn't spell "Pathetic".
Q: Why was Michael Jackson grounded?
A: He was "Bad".
The lyrics to "Bad" say it all:
Your Butt Is Mine
Gonna Take You
Right
Q: What did Michael Jackson do when his hair caught on fire?
A: He
"Beat-it!"
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He
has a lot of stuff in the can.
Q: Who will Michael record his next album with?
A: Les Brown.
Q: Have you heard Michael Jackson is coming out with a new album?
A: It's
called "Sick".
He told you he was "Off the Wall", that he was a "Thriller", that he was
"Bad" and that he was "Dangerous". Next album will be called "Don't say I didn't
warn you".
MICHAEL JACKSON'S GREATEST HITS (Thanks to
RangerJim93)
Volume 1
Side One
1. Reach out and TOUCH Someone
2.
Hey, there, Predator
3. Touch Me Once, Touch Me Twice, Touch Me Once
Again
4. The Best Toys are Little Boys
5. The WACKO Touch
Side
Two
1. Theme from Peter Pervert
2. He TOUCHED Me
3. He Let His Fingers
Do the Walking (In Private Places)
4. Come Open My FLY With Me
5. Theme
from Woody The Pecker
Volume 2
Side One
1. Feeler
2. Put Your Hand
in The Pants of Michael Jackson
3. Peter Pervert
4. The Boy Who Made Me
Throw Up
5. Beat it and Eat It
Side Two
1. Full Moon at High Noon
2.
I'm Dropping My Drawers Over You
3. I'm A Pervert
4. I'm Queer, I'm Not
All Here
5. Groping the World
THE BEAST (BEST) OF MICHAEL
JACKSON
Side One
1. It Was Masturbation
2. Feelings
3. Dance of
the Pedophiles
4. Molesters' March
5. That Queer Old Feeling
Side
Two
1. Meat Beater's Lament
2. Jack Off Jive
3. Those Roving
Fingers
4. NUTcracker Suite
5. Peter Pervert's Theme
Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a new video
called... "I'll beat it for you."
Q: Which chips does Michael Jackson like to munch on?
A: O'Boysies.
Q: Where does Michael Jackson write his songs for the kids?
A: In his
tanning salon.
Q: What did the mother at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: "Excuse me,
but you're in my son."
Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell
him to sing a song.
Yup! When he had his tonsils removed, they accidentally put him on the table
the wrong way round...
Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They
all wear one glove for no apparent reason.
Q: Where is Michael Jackson's other glove?
A: In Brooke Shields'
pants.
Michael Jackson went to church and confessed "Forgive me father, for I have
sinned with young boys". The priest replied "It's OK, I have done it also."
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more
allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make
him a priest.
Q: What would you call Michael Jackson if he slept with another 20 or 30
young boys?
A: Monsigneur.
Q: How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
A: Hire
a Catholic priest to do it.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a Catholic
priest?
A: Nothing
Q: What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
A: Both are a
pain in the ass to kids.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?
A: A
proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
CULINARY EMPLOYMENT NEWS
Jeff Smith, public television's "Frugal Gourmet",
in the face of numerous accusations of trying to seduce teenage boys, has
announced his departure from the long running series.
In related news,
Michael Jackson has announced the arrival of a new executive chef at his
secluded Neverland Ranch...
Neverland: the only place that Jackson rides the animals and the animals ride
him!!!!!!
Q: Why did Pepsi sign up Michael Jackson for their ads?
A: Because he
likes the taste of a new generation.
Did you hear that Pepsi signed Michael Jackson to another contract?
They
felt that he was the only one who could suck that little boy out of the
bottle.
Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
A: Because he was caught sucking on
a Squirt!!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson fail to renew his contract with Pepsi?
A:
Because he found out that the main ingredient was Bubbles!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on his willy?
A: Because kids will
do anything for the taste of Dairy Lea!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common?
A: Both are force
fed to little boys.
I want to see some jokes about Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie!!!!!!!! They
*are* the joke!
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson marrying Lisa-Marie Presley?
A: If
Elvis were dead, he'd turn over in his grave.
This is the worst news for the King since the invention of the child-proof
cap.
If Elvis were alive, would he be driving a white Ford Bronco with blood
stains on the driver door?
Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on
television?
A: "Boy, that's a relief. I thought she married a black guy!"
Q: What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Micheal Jackson when he popped
her
the question?
A: "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing... NO
KIDS!"
Q: What was Michael Jackson thinking about on his wedding night?
A: Hmmm,
now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own.
Comments overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa-Marie Presley
wedding:
"Well, I'm pretty sure one of them is a virgin."
"I don't think
that's the real groom; it's just a decoy."
"First couple that I've ever known
that was registered at FAO Schwarz."
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley
Wedding from David Letterman, July 19, 1994:
10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right.
9. She could've
used a little more of his eye-liner.
8. I bet they didn't have to get
married.
7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La
Toya.
6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list,
ma'am.
5. There's that strange whirring sound again -- as if some deceased
rock star were spinning in his grave.
4. I got you some his and hers towels.
Split 'em up however you like.
3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito
Jackson? Yes I am.
2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake -- oh,
it's just Liz Taylor.
1. I just heard on the weather channel -- hell froze
over.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie
Presley?
A: About two dress sizes!!!
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A: Got two fives for a
ten?
Apparently we're going to be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in the
Jackson household . . . yep, Lisa Marie's going to be leaving town for a
while.
If Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson really is expecting, do you suppose that she
and Michael will ask Woody Allen to be the godfather?
Did you hear that Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson is pregnant?
Whether it is a
boy or a girl, you know it will have one of Michael's noses.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is Preparing for Fatherhood from David
Letterman, November 14, 1996
10. Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp
9. Deciding whether or
not its okay to name a girl "Tito".
8. Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a
Weird-Ass Child".
7. Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic
babysitter.
6. Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet.
5.
Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things for the
baby.
4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to
act normal.
3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's
sex.
2. Having the same test done on himself.
1. Child-proofing each and
every llama in the house.
Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":
"Spare the rod, and
spoil the child."
If Michael and Lisa-Marie's marriage was a TV show, what would it be
called?
* Home Unimprovement
* The (G)love Connection
* Beauty and the
Beast
* Gimme A Break
* Joker's Wild
* Maniac Mansion (from the Family
Channel)
* That's Incredible
* Really Big, Gigantic, Humungous House on
the Prairie
Top 10 Good Things About Being Married to Michael Jackson from
David Letterman, August 02, 1994
10. When you get a few years older, good advice on plastic surgeons.
9.
White sequined glove prevents greasy finger prints on fridge.
8. Fun to say,
"Honey, could you moonwalk down to the shop n' save for a quart of milk?"
7.
After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives seem
normal.
6. None of those annoying demands for sex.
5. His squeeky
ultrasonic voice keeps away mice.
4. As the King of Pop, he gets the 10%
dinner discount at participating Red Lobster restaurants.
3. If he comes home
with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty sure it's his own.
2. Never
have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by.
1. Three words: CHRISTMAS
WITH TITO.
Q: What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid?
A: Clitoris envy.
Q: Why did Michael go to college?
A: To get his Bachelor of Arse
degree.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter?
A: Bring-em Young.
It's not who you know -- it's who you know had a nose job.
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A:
Michael Jackson has had more noses.
Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A:
Blowing his first nose.
We all have heard the tale about how Pinnochio's nose kept getting longer
with each fib he told.
When Michael Jackson tells fibs, his nose gets shorter
but his pecker gets longer. (Thanks to RangerJim93)
Q: What is Michael Jackson's downfall when it comes to making friends?
A:
He is two faced.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson get so many face changes?
A: He's trying to
reach his inner child.
Quote by Loretta Lynn in Esquire, January 2002:
"I liked Michael
Jackson better dark. And I liked his nose a lot better too. If he has any
more taken off, I don't know how he's gonna breathe."
Heard on Jay Leno, October 2002:
Michael Jackson just had
his sixth nose job.
Shouldn't it be his sixth used-to-be-a-nose
job?
Quote from Joan Rivers, early December, 2002:
I love
Michael. He's my best friend. I buy him a handkerchief for Christmas each
year. I don't know what to buy him this year. He has no nose. No nose. What do
you buy a man with no nose?
Heard on Jay Leno, December 11, 2002:
At the breach of contract
trial, Michael Jackson showed up on crutches with only one shoe on. He is
recovering from plastic surgery. He's had his toe transplanted to his
nose.
Michael should be more careful with his foot -- it's his only
original part.
Michael Jackson's Nose "Falls Off" In-Flight (joke), December 11,
2002:
A small piece of Michael Jackson has fallen off during a routine flight
on Concorde this evening. Nobody else is reported to have been hurt or
injured.
This is the latest in a series of similar incidents involving the
megastar although a spokesperson denied there was any cause for concern.
"Michael has an excellent safety record, but nevertheless we are currently
getting him checked out by our metallurgical expert, Uri Geller. As a
precaution, Janet and La Toya Jackson will be kept in a hangar until we've
figured out what went wrong. I must stress that the public was never in any
danger and we hope to return to a normal service as soon as possible."
Mr
Jackson was designed and built over forty years ago as part of a joint venture
between Motown Records and Boeing. Originally conceived as a black programme, he
was developed at the top-secret Neverland test facility in California. The
Soviet Union, worried that it might lose the all-important "Moon Walk Race",
quickly embarked on a rival project code-named Mikhail Jacksovski. However,
Jackson's performance was superior in every aspect and Jacksovski was eventually
decommissioned after dislocating both legs during a particularly energetic
Cossack line-dance.
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.48.2594.html
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 12, 2002:
"Achilles'
Heel" is to "only vulnerable part of a Greek" as
"Michael Jackson's Ear" is
to "only original part of a freak".
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 30, 2002:
"Boston
Archdiocese" is to "$10 million sex abuse settlement" as
"Michael Jackson" is
to "didn't realize that Boston had quantity discounts".
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, February 4, 2003:
"Michael
Jackson in 1983" is to "spent hours recording Billie Jean" as
"Michael
Jackson in 2003" is to "spent hours in Billy's jeans".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2003:
Michael Jackson (in a
90-minute interview with British journalist Martin Bashir that was first
screened Monday, February 3, 2003, on British TV and then repeated Thursday,
February 6, 2003, in the US on ABC's 20/20) denied having any alterations to his
face other than two operations on his nose, and they were only to help him "hit
higher notes".
In other news, he said that he has had his testicles removed
for fun.
From Entertainment Tonight http://www.etonline.com/celebrity/a14336.htm,
February 5, 2003:
Multiple nose jobs, skin grafts and facial liposuction are
some of the surgeries that some respected plastic surgeons speculate Michael may
have undergone over the past 20 years. And the King of Pop's nose is one issue
the doctors are all concerned about. Dr. Thomas Loeb theorizes, "He lost the
skin on top of the nose and he's ulcerated through. They had to do some kind of
reconstructive procedure to just cover the cartilage underneath. So this is
really a plastic surgery disaster." Dr. Robert Kotler points out, "There's a
limit to how much surgery you can perform and he may have passed that
limit."
More from Dr. Robert Kotler http://www.robertkotlermd.com/ author
of Secrets of a Beverly Hills Cosmetic Surgeon http://www.surgerysecrets.com/
After
so many procedures, each surgery becomes more difficult because of scar tissue.
Jackson's nose appears to have rejected a plastic implant. More surgery is
unwise. A better solution now is a lifelike artificial nose.
Heard on David Letterman, February 6, 2003:
In a recent interview,
Michael Jackson said that his nickname for his baby is "Blanket".
In a
later interview, the baby said that its nickname for Michael is
"Nutjob".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2003:
Michael Jackson was so
distraught after seeing his recent interview on TV that he dangled himself from
a balcony.
Heard on David Letterman, February 7, 2003:
In the interview,
Michael Jackson claimed that he had only two nose jobs. Come on! That's like
Bill Clinton saying that he had only two ...
Top Ten Surprises In The Michael Jackson Documentary from David
Letterman, February 7, 2003:
10. Due to disappointing CD sales, most of his income is now from
Amway.
9. "Neverland Ranch" is just a one-bedroom condo in Queens.
8.
"Gong Show" fans may remember him as "Gene Gene The Dancing Machine".
7. The
Elephant Man recently bought some of Michael's bones.
6. Upon seeing old
"Beat It" video, asked, "Wow, who's that?"
5. Touching moment when he was
reunited with his four brothers.
4. Touching moment when he was reunited with
his four noses.
3. Put his fist through a wall when the Raiders lost.
2.
He had Bubbles stuffed and uses him as an ottoman.
1. Turns out he's a
loon.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 11, 2003:
Michael Jackson was
upset when he heard that VH1 would replay his recent interview. He wanted it to
play on Nickelodeon.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 12, 2003:
On hearing that Roman
Polanski would be banned from coming into the country for an Oscar presentation
(he received an Academy Award nomination for directing "The Pianist")
because he had relations with a 13 year-old girl, Michael Jackson replied "with
a girl -- that is so disgusting!"
Names in the News from Knight Ridder Newspapers, February 13,
2003:
JACKSON I
Among the many revelations in the documentary
"Living With Michael Jackson," which aired February 6 on ABC, was Jackson's
claim that the only plastic surgery he's had is two nose jobs - to help improve
his singing voice.
But Los Angeles plastic surgeon Wallace Goodstein
maintains the musician, 44, has undergone "well over" 50 operations on
his face. http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html
Goodstein's
claims come in a profile of the embattled King of Pop to be broadcast Monday on
NBC's "Dateline." According to the New York Post, Goodstein shared a practice
with Jackson's primary plastic surgeon.
"Dateline's" one-hour show, called
"Michael Jackson Unmasked," also features an interview with now-retired Los
Angeles Police Detective Bill Dworin, who investigated the singer in 1993 when
the parents of a 13-year-old boy alleged he molested their son. Jackson was
never charged in the case, but paid a multimillion-dollar out-of-court
settlement.
The Post reports that Dworin is going to spill the beans on what
police found during their investigation and that he believes Jackson may still
pose a threat to children. On the show that aired on ABC, the One-Gloved One
acknowledged that he still shares his bed with children, albeit in a nonsexual
way.
JACKSON II
The New York Post also reports that celeb manager
Jack Gordon is going to pen a tell-all book about Jackson. Gordon, who is LaToya
Jackson's ex-husband, has snagged literary agent Jim Fitzgerald of the Carol
Mann agency to peddle "Never Neverland: My Years Inside the Jackson
Family."
JACKSON III
Here's a book that's not likely to hit the
best-seller list: Michael Jackson is working on a guide for adults who want to
retain their childlike qualities, reports Jeannette Walls, who writes "The
Scoop" column for MSNBC.com http://msnbc.com/.
The singer, who has said he
identifies with Peter Pan, was working on the
how-to-stay-in-touch-with-your-inner-child tome with his spiritual guru, Rabbi
Shmuley Boteach http://www.beliefnet.com/author/author_102.html,
who has written several books, including "Kosher Sex."
The book's future
seems to be in question, given recent developments.
Quote by Jeff Zucker, NBC's President of Entertainment, February 14,
2003:
Michael Jackson is the ultimate traffic accident. People can't take
their eyes off him.
Jacko takes another beating from media, March 5, 2003 http://www.etonline.com/celebrity/a14819.htm
and http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,80136,00.html
and http://www.drudgereport.com/mjv.htm
Had
enough of Michael Jackson? Of course you haven't. So here's what Vanity Fair has
to say in its March issue about the ever-stranger King of Pop.
He has a fake
nose, covering two mummylike holes in his face. Ewww!
He paid an African
voodoo chief $150,000 to make sure Hollywood moguls Steven Spielberg and David
Geffen, plus 23 other EOMs (Enemies of Michael) would die. Although 42 cows were
sacrificed by the voodoo chief so these things would come to pass, they
didn't.
Oh, the article by Maureen Orth also says that Jackson is broke.
Taylor has bone to pick with Jacko; Jacko snubs Taylor's 71st birthday
bash, March 20, 2003 http://www.indystar.com/print/articles/9/030421-8979-062.html
Uh-oh,
more trouble in Neverland.
Michael Jackson may have lost his most staunch
defender -- violet-eyed virago Liz Taylor.
The curious couple are reportedly
at odds, a rift that became more public after the self-proclaimed King of Pop
was a no-show at La Liz's 71st birthday soiree.
"The talk all night was that
they've had a terrible falling-out," said a partygoer. "It seems that Michael
had summoned Liz to Neverland, but when she arrived he wasn't there. She was
furious."
April Fool's Day Poll, April 1, 2003:
Who's the "most foolish American"?
Pop singer Michael Jackson, according to an annual poll taken by
public-relations consultant Jeff Barge in anticipation of April Fool's Day.
Eighty percent of those polled said the 44-year-old singer and one-time baby
dangler was the biggest fool in the country. Boxer Mike Tyson, 36, came in
second.
Quote by Cher, April 2, 2003:
"I don't really care what he does to
his face. He could just erase it as far as I'm concerned. I don't like him
anymore." -- Singer-actress Cher, 56, on Michael Jackson in TV Guide. She
doesn't like the way he treats his kids.
Jokes by Jimmie Walker on David Letterman, April 4,
2003:
Did you hear that the University of Michigan is giving people 20 points
for being black? They gave Michael Jackson -40.
Michael Jackson wants to play
Peter Pan. He should be Tinkerbell. Know what I mean???
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 9, 2003:
Michael Jackson is offering
to sell his Neverland ranch for $8 million more than what it is worth.
The
extra $8 million is to cover the steam cleaning.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, April 11, 2003:
"Journalist in
Iraq" is to "embedded in US troops" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "embedded in
Boy Scout troops".
Heard on David Letterman, May 22, 2003:
Michael Jackson wants a
Taco Bell built near his Neverland Ranch, but it was turned down by the zoning
commission.
I don't understand -- they zoned Michael...
Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 25, 2003:
Michael Jackson is throwing
himself a birthday party.
Fans pay $100 to attend. Actually, getting in is
free. It costs $100 to get out.
View an invitation from the Michael Jackson Fan Club http://www.mjfanclub.net/la_party_2003/fc_invitation.html
Plan
ahead for Michael's 50th birthday http://www.angelfire.com/id/croon/oldnewjackson.html
Heard on David Letterman, July 28, 2003:
Have you seen the pictures
of Odai and Qusai?
I haven't seen a face so horribly disfigured since ...
Michael Jackson.
Heard on David Letterman, August 27, 2003:
Michael Jackson came off
a plane. He was wearing pajamas, carrying an umbrella and holding a
battery-operated fan.
If he keeps this up, he could get a reputation for
being weird.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, September 25, 2003:
"Marsupials"
is to "youngsters squirming in pouch" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "youngsters
squirming on couch".
Heard on Jay Leno, October 31, 2003:
You know why Michael Jackson
loves Halloween? Free delivery right to his door.
Heard on David Letterman, November 5, 2003:
CBS has announced that
Michael Jackson will soon have his own special. This means for one night I won't
be the strangest guy on CBS.
Heard on David Letterman, November 6, 2003:
CBS is showing a
Michael Jackson special. In a touching moment, Michael Jackson is reunited with
his noses.
CBS thought that a surgically altered freak was less scary than
the Reagans.
CBS was going to air a Reagan special, but was pressured to
cancel it. They showed a Michael Jackson special instead. http://edition.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/03/reagans.series.reut/
and http://www.drudgereportarchives.com/data/2003/10/24/20031024_134805_rr4.htm
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 10, 2003:
Michael Jackson was in
Japan to open a line of men's clothing.
If the men's line is successful,
he'll go into boy's pants.
See http://www.fibre2fashion.com/news/NewsDetails.asp?News_id=3905
and http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,12250,00.html
and http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/entertainment/6437646.htm
Arrest warrant issued for Michael Jackson, November 19,
2003:
A warrant was issued for Michael Jackson's arrest following a search of
his Neverland Ranch after allegations of sexual molestation by as 12 year old
boy. Bail is set at $3 million.
http://www.nme.com/news/106801.htm
http://www.rwdmag.com/music_articles/news/04783-1421307961/michael_jackson/
http://www.globeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20031119.wjack1119_4/BNStory/Entertainment/
http://www.ktnv.com/news/nov03/186204.asp
http://www.local6.com/entertainment/2648110/detail.html?treets=orlpn&tml=orlpn_natlbreak&ts=T&tmi=orlpn_natlbreak_2729_11420111192003
http://www.kron4.com/Global/story.asp?S=1532256
Play Hollywood Clue
Was it Robert Blake in the car with the pistol?
OJ
Simpson in the entryway with the knife?
Michael Jackson in the hot tub with
the Jesus juice?
Robert Downey, Jr. in the alley with the crack
pipe?
or...
Paris Hilton in the boudoir with the video camera?
Photoshop visualization of Michael Jackson doing an O. J. Simpson imitation
after the arrest warrant was issued. (O. J. jokes at oj.html.)
Michael Jackson Mug Shot
SANTA BARBARA COUNTY SHERIFF
11/20/2003
Photo Image of:
NAME: JACKSON, MICHAEL
RAC: B SEX: M
DOB: 8/29/1958 AGE: 45
HGT: 511 WGT: 120
BLD: CMP:
HAI: BLK EYE: BRO
MKS:
BOOKING #: 621785
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 20, 2003:
Today Michael Jackson's
house was surrounded by police, and he was arrested. He was taken to jail and
gave his fingerprints. His fingers were black for the first time in 15
years.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, November 2003:
Michael Jackson turned
himself into authorities today and now the court may take away his kids. Don't
worry, Michael's working on a deal where he can dangle them on the
weekends.
The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of
this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own
crotch.
Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was
so upset he dangled himself over a balcony.
Several celebrities have stepped
forward to defend Michael Jackson... Woody Harrelson, Roman Polanski, Pete
Townsend.
I can sum up Michael Jackson's legal defense in three words: dead
man moonwalking.
Heard on Jay Leno, November 2003:
Yesterday an arrest warrant was
issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross.
I
guess they got Michael on that new law -- 3 tykes and you're out.
Did you
hear who Michael Jackson's lawyer is? He hired Scott Peterson's attorney Mark
Geragos. Geragos' slogan is 'no client too sleazy.' See Michael's smart cause he
knows that next to Scott Peterson he looks innocent.
According to a Gallup
poll, 17% of those asked still have a favorable opinion of Michael Jackson. That
may not sound like much, but it's still more than any of the Democratic
candidates running for president.
Michael Jackson now using the internet to
communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that's how he met most of
'em.
After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in
handcuffs. I don't think he helped his case when he asked "These are neat, do
they come in smaller sizes?"
Now he is out on bail -- again he still doesn't
get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, "I'm
going to Disneyland!"
Early today Michael met with his priest -- not for
spiritual advice, they went on a double date.
Michael says he is going to
fight these charges tooth and nail -- because those are the only real body parts
he has left.
Heard on Jon Stewart, November 2003:
If you've been watching
television today, so it begins, the Michael Jackson mini-series kicked off. The
glee, the salivation in the news people. The CNN logo had an erection. If you
looked closely, the 'N' was standing tall. By God people, there is a Medicare
bill to debate! If only the Senate molested the Medicare bill.
Heard on David Letterman, November 2003:
Police swarmed all over
the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60 investigators, and found a lot of
items that needed explaining. Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie
Presley.
His bail was set at $3 million dollars because he is considered a
flight risk. Cause, you know, he could run off anywhere and blend right
in.
Yesterday federal agents raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in
Santa Barbara. This isn't good. People are gonna start saying this guy is
peculiar. Apparently Michael Jackson was so upset he contacted Rush Limbaugh's
housekeeper to get some sedatives.
I guess they had 60 federal investigators
going over the Neverland Ranch property for 12 hours and didn't find anything.
But they did turn up OJ's knife.
Quote by Mike Dreese, owner of the 24-store Newbury Comics chain http://shop.store.yahoo.com/newburycomics/
http://www.newbury.com/, November 20,
2003:
It's shocking how poorly Jackson's new album has sold. As of midday
[Wednesday], it has sold only 90 copies in the whole chain. And we've sold 150
copies of Cyndi Lauper's new album. Both of them hit the streets on Tuesday
[November 18]. So a Cyndi Lauper record of show tunes is doing more than 50
percent better than a Michael Jackson album of his number one hits. That just
shows how much his career has dive-bombed.
http://www.boston.com/ae/celebrity/articles/2003/11/20/accusations_are_the_latest_twist_in_story_of_a_stars_decline/
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/nationworld/sfl-ajaxwoes21nov21,0,4639636.story
http://www.cyndilauper.com/article_det.php?display_type=1&display=&art_id=1348
Britney Spears Tops the Charts, Korn and Michael Jackson Falter, November 28,
2003:
Pop princess Britney Spears' new album "In The Zone" has landed in the
top spot on the Billboard albums chart. The disc sold more than 609,000 copies
in its first week in stores.
Michael Jackson's greatest hits package, "Number
Ones" landed at No. 13 with sales of 120,000 copies. It dropped to No. 29 its
second week with 79,000 copies.
http://www.antimusic.com/news/03/nov/item109.shtml
http://www.suntimes.com/output/music/cst-ftr-britney27.html
http://www.411mania.com/music/reviews/article.php?reviews_id=2326
http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1480914/12032003/jay_z.jhtml
How about a sleep-over?
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 21, 2003:
Michael Jackson was
arrested yesterday. According to the Santa Barbara Police, Michael Jackson is
5'11" and weighs only 120 pounds... very skinny... Michael is able to keep his
weight down because he only orders off the children's menu.
Payback time!!
12 Year Old Boy Sues Michael Jackson For Not Molesting Him (joke),
November 24, 2003:
The family of a 12 year old Southern California boy have
launched a $28 million law suit against the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.
Parents for the child in question contend there was a real and presumed threat
that when they allowed their child to sleep in Michael Jackson's bed, he would
be molested.
Martin Goldenstein, the lawyer representing the family claims
Jackson's lack of sexual interest in the boy has caused them undue financial
hardship.
http://www.dailyhog.com/jackson_law_suit.htm
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like gingerbread men?
A: Because he can eat
them up without a law suit.
Heard on David Letterman, November 24, 2003:
How about that Michael
Jackson?
The cops finally made a mug shot worse than Nick Nolte's.
Jackson's lawyer is looking for a fair jury... He wants Jackson tried by a
Catholic Archdiocese.
Michael Jacksons' Neverland Ranch has been raided by police today.
Police
found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class
5c in his bedroom!
Michael Jackson is being investigated for drugs. During the Neverland raid,
police found class As, class Bs, and all the male members of class 5C.
Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, "I have good
news and bad news."
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says "they
have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious
time."
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says "I think you can
serve it in a juvenile detention facility."
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 25, 2003:
President Bush pardoned
the Thanksgiving turkey. Michael Jackson immediately asked to hire the turkey's
lawyer.
Some people close to Michael Jackson are asking him to take an
insanity defense.
Michael Jackson says that he is refusing the insanity
defense on the advice of his band of llamas.
To many, the King of Pop is the King of Weird, November 25,
2003:
Howard Hughes had his long fingernails, Shirley MacLaine has her past
lives, Roseanne Barr her 16 personalities. But when it comes to celebrity
weirdness, Michael Jackson may be the king.
"Oh yeah, he wins that contest,"
said Tom O'Neil, senior editor of the celebrity magazine In Touch Weekly.
http://www.ajc.com/news/content/news/1103/25weird.html
http://www.sacticket.com/24hour/entertainment/music/news/story/1066302p-7475308c.html
http://www.lawrence.com/news/entertainment/story/124624
http://www.thedesertsun.com/news/stories2003/entertainment/20031127234438.shtml
http://www.the-blue-pages.com/NEWS/NOVEMBER%202003/biz01649.html
Santa Barbara News-Press story The Michael Jackson Case, November 25,
2003: http://www.newspress.com/mjacksonupdate/1125jacksontips.htm
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 10, 2003:
"Popular toy"
is to "Tickle-me Elmo" as
"Unpopular toy" is to "Fondle-me Jacko"
"Memo: Michael Jackson was cleared earlier", December 10,
2003:
Child-welfare investigators earlier this year found there was no basis
for allegations that Michael Jackson had abused the boy now accusing him of
molestation, according to a confidential memo.
The memo from an administrator
with the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS)
was based on an investigation in February and was leaked to the Web site
thesmokinggun.com, which posted it yesterday. A source familiar with the
document confirmed its authenticity.
The memo was dated Nov. 26, 2003, a week
after the Santa Barbara County district attorney announced child-molestation
allegations against Jackson.
The boy and his brother told investigators
Jackson had not sexually abused them, according to the memo. Their older sister
said she had never witnessed anything sexually inappropriate between her
brothers and the entertainer.
The memo was sent from a regional DCFS
administrator to medical director Charles Sophy and detailed an investigation
completed before Sophy joined the agency.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2001811661_jackson10.html
http://www.msnbc.com/news/1003320.asp
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,105276,00.html
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/mjaccuser1.html
Heard on David Letterman, December 15, 2003:
Saddam Hussein didn't
put up a fight when he was arrested.
Even Michael Jackson put up a fight.
Maimonides, Laws of Forbidden Relationships 22:18, 20
There is
nothing in the entire Torah which is more difficult for a community to avoid
than sexual immorality... Therefore one should take charge of his natural
instincts and accustom himself to extra holiness and pure thought and proper
character in order to be saved from this.
Heard on David Letterman, December 16, 2003:
They says that charges
against Michael Jackson will be filed by Friday.
Michael is already picking
out a spider hole in Tikrit.
Heard on David Letterman, December 18, 2003:
Dave: Michael Jackson,
I call him "Putty Face".
Paul: I call him "The King of
Pop".
Dave: You would be wrong.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 19, 2003:
Michael Jackson said
that contrary to reports, he has not converted to Islam.
Michael commented,
"I thought that Islam had something to do with llamas..."
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 19, 2003:
After prosecutors
accused Michael Jackson of giving a boy wine and showing him pictures of naked
men, Demi Moore called to say that she was insulted.
"What do you want for Christmas" on Carson Daly, December 19,
2003:
boy (holding a picture of Michael Jackson): A bat to defend
myself from this man.
Get a free T-shirt with every visit... "I SLEPT WITH MICHAEL JACKSON AND ALL
I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT" http://www.boners.com/grub/791742.html
Michael Jackson Admits Plastic Surgery; France Unconvinced (joke),
December 23, 2003:
Chirac Demands More Time for U.N. Face Inspectors
At
the United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered what he
called "conclusive proof" that the singer Michael Jackson has had plastic
surgery, but failed to convince France.
In related news, President Chirac
said the U.S. had failed to show convincing proof that Jennifer Lopez has a big
ass.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=505
Cheney Named Interim King Of Pop (joke), December 23, 2003:
Sports
Sequined Glove on 'Meet the Press'
Moving quickly to fill what it termed a
"dangerous power vacuum," the White House this weekend appointed Vice President
Dick Cheney to the position of Interim King of Pop.
White House spokesman
Scott McClellan told reporters that the absence of a King of Pop "posed an
imminent threat to civilized people everywhere."
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=743
Hey, Jacko, The Party's Over! http://www.mrjoel.com/ December 23,
2003:
Okay, so maybe I wasn't invited to Michael Jackson's U R Not Alone
party. According to what I'm hearing, I didn't miss very much!
The rumor is
that M.C. Hammer was there, and speaking of show biz has-beens, so was Michael's
sister LaToya.
Hey, maybe "Wacko Jacko" really is on a first name basis with
well-known sport celebrities like black tennis player Serena Williams, but when
you find sexual thugs like ex heavyweight champ, Mike Tyson, on the guest list -
that's where you draw the line!
Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist. And wasn't
he the guy who once bit off his opponent's ear in the ring?
Yikes, I'm afraid
Mike Tyson's ex-wife Robin Givens can tell you all about Mike Tyson and how many
black and blue marks a bad "macho man" like him can give you in bed!
Speaking
of black and blue marks, I sincerely hope that Michael didn't invite Mike Tyson
to spend the night with him at his Never Land ranch.
Hey, it's one thing to
share your bed with a 12 year old boy, but when you invite a big tough bully
like Mike Tyson in to your bedroom, you're asking for nothing but trouble!
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 23, 2003:
Michael Jackson had a
party last weekend. M.C. Hammer was one of the guests. He came as the Michael
Jackson of the future.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3337957.stm
and http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/12/21/1071941612344.html
2004 meets Michael Jackson, editorial cartoon by Steve Breen, December 23,
2003:
http://cagle.slate.msn.com/working/031223/breen.gif
Jackson "Upset" at Taylor's Absence From Party, December 24,
2003:
Troubled pop superstar Michael Jackson is reportedly "deeply upset"
that longtime pal Elizabeth Taylor didn't attend his support rally party at
Neverland Ranch last weekend. According to The Scoop, giant star Taylor,
71, didn't show up for the party because she "wasn't up" for the event. A source
said, "He had hoped that a bunch of big stars would show, but there really
weren't any A-list names, and she was the most glaringly absent."
http://imdb.com/PeopleNews/2003/20031224.html
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 26, 2003:
Kwanza starts today. It
celebrates a time when Michael Jackson was still black.
Dave Barry, December 28, 2003:
November... In other news, pop
superstar Michael Jackson again finds himself in legal trouble when authorities
in Santa Barbara order him fingerprinted and booked on charges of "extreme
creepiness, even for California." Jackson's attorney expresses outrage, telling
a news conference that his client "doesn't even HAVE fingerprints".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 30, 2003:
In his recent interview,
Michael Jackson claims that when he was arrested, he was man-handled. He had
specifically requested to be boy-handled.
Michael Jackson guest appearance in the "comic armageddon" audience of the
December 30, 2003, Non-Sequitur comic strip http://www.ucomics.com/nonsequitur/2003/12/30/
The Three Most Moronic Fathers by David Letterman, January 2,
2004:
3. Steve Irwin
2. Michael Jackson
1. David Letterman
USA Weekend's POP CULTURE The power(less) list, January 4,
2004:
November -- Michael Jackson
Police arrest the King of Pop, accusing
him of molesting a 12-year-old boy who visited Jacko's Neverland Ranch. A
similar accusation in a 1993 civil suit was settled for a reported $15 million
to $20 million. Guess we'll really find out "who's bad."
http://www.usaweekend.com/04_issues/040104/040104powerless.html
2004 Predictions by David Letterman, January 8, 2004:
In a
fit of rage, Michael Jackson -- there's a fine looking woman -- will
dangle his lawyer from a balcony.
Joan Crawford's Long-Lost Daughter!
Heard on Jay Leno, January 12, 2004:
Michael Jackson has moved out
of Neverland Ranch and is now leasing a $20 million Beverley Hills
mansion.
It's perfect for him - it's right between a plastic surgeon and an
elementary school.
Heard on David Letterman, January 13, 2004:
More sad news. You know
lots of top stars are going to prison and being arrested? Today Diana Ross made
an appearance in court for DUI. She had her makeup all on, she was wearing a
mink coat and was followed by an entourage. Outside her friends were yelling,
"Michael, Michael, Michael!"
Heard on Jay Leno, January 13, 2004:
Michael Jackson's business
advisers met yesterday at the Beverly Hilton Hotel to discuss Michael's
financial situation. There's the problem right there - meeting at the Beverly
Hilton Hotel. What's an orange juice there, nine dollars? They should be meeting
at the Red Roof Inn, maybe Howard Johnson, or someplace where kids stay
free.
Sources say Michael is very worried about how he could survive the
harsh conditions in a federal prison. In fact, the rumor is he's trying to work
out a plea bargain - if they'll send him to juvie hall, he'll be willing to
serve 40 years.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, January 13, 2004:
Sources say that Michael
Jackson is so deep in debt that he had to borrow $70 million from friends this
week. Which is difficult because most of Michael's friends make money selling
lemonade.
A Day in the Life of Michael Jackson on David Letterman,
January 15, 2004:
9 AM Calls Latoya's psychic hotline -- the prediction is
thirty years in maximum security.
10 AM Sends flowers to his plastic surgeon
to thank him for making him look so good in his mugshot.
10:30 AM Sells case
of camel's medication to Rush Limbaugh.
11 AM Begs his dear friend Liza to
help him beat up prosecutors.
11:30 AM Calls Latoya's psychic hotline -- the
prediction is still thirty years in maximum security.
1 PM Puts elephant
man's skeleton in passenger seat so he can drive in the carpool lane.
2 PM
Has a sandwich and goes to bed for the day.
Heard on Jay Leno, January 15, 2004:
First FAO Schwartz filed for
bankruptcy, and yesterday KB Toys filed for bankruptcy.
See, I knew this
would happen when Michael Jackson stopped dating.
In the Year 2000 on Conan O'Brien, January 15, 2004:
In the
year 2000, due to increasing pressure, Michael Jackson will be forced to sell
his Neverland Ranch.
The bad news -- he will sell it to the Catholic
Church.
Michael Jackson in court on January 16, 2004, explains that he is not
evil.
January 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson, the defendant in case number 1133603,
came 21 minutes late to court. Michael surrounded himself with an entourage
including family members, expensive lawyers, and a goon squad of about twenty
Nation of Islam bodyguards.
Judge Rodney Melville scolded "Mr. Jackson, you
have started out on the wrong foot with me. I want to advise you that I will not
put up with that. It's an insult to the court. You must be on time. Do you
understand that?"
Michael's hotshot lawyer, Mark Geragos, was similarly
slapped down when he tried to introduce a new colleague to the defense bench
without prior warning.
Michael pleaded not guilty to seven counts of
molesting a child under 14 and two counts of giving the child an intoxicating
agent to facilitate abuse. Each of the nine counts is a felony, and the total
could bring 20 years in prison.
Then, Michael interrupted the proceeding so
he and his brother Jermaine could take a bathroom break. The judge didn't sound
too charmed by that and helpfully suggested that in the future, the
Weak-Bladdered One should "regulate his liquid intake."
Michael did not
return to court after leaving for the bathroom.
The hearing ended in less
than two hours.
Michael bused in fans on a "Caravan of Love" from Los Angeles
and Las Vegas. About 1000 fans came to show their support.
After the hearing,
Michael, with a black umbrella to shade himself from the sun, hopped up on a
black SUV, blew kisses to his frenzied fans, and did a little dance number.
Vendors hawked T-shirts, ice cream, burritos and barbecue. Police dogs barked,
children wailed, and helicopters hovered noisily above. A handful of Jesus
freaks urged the assembled crowd to convert before it was too late. All the
while, two Nation of Islam cameramen filmed Michael's every move. In short, the
Michael Jackson show had come to town.
The Nation of Islam bodyguards handed
out invitations to a party at the Neverland Ranch. The invitation was offered in
"the spirit of love and togetherness" and addressed to all of Michael's "fans
and supporters."
At the entrance to the sprawling ranch, guests were asked to
sign a release agreeing to participate in a television show about Mr. Jackson,
while vehicles were subjected to a series of security checks by smartly-dressed
Nation of Islam goons, who screened every occupant with hand-held metal
detectors and handed out colored, hospital-style wrist bracelets to be worn "at
all times."
On the property, dotted with dozens of bronze sculptures of
children at play, fans frolicked on swings and rode a small steam-engine
train.
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/story.jsp?story=482022
http://www.nynewsday.com/news/local/newyork/columnists/nyc-hen0118,0,2897764.column
http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_536648,00050001.htm
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/01/17/MNGQA4CADB1.DTL
http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/nation/ny-usjack173630286jan17,0,539349.story
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/01/17/1073878082917.html
http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,8421829%255E401,00.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/01/17/national/17JACK.html
Heard on Jay Leno, January 16, 2004:
Happy Michael Jackson Day
everybody!
Today Michael Jackson was charged with seven counts of lewd acts
with a child. As is customary in these cases, afterwards he left the courthouse,
jumped on top of a car and started dancing.
Did you see him at the
courthouse? He arrived at the courthouse wearing a kind of boys prep school
outfit. Good idea, when you're being arraigned on charges of child molestation.
Wear the evidence to court.
I don't think Michael understands the severity of
these charges. When they asked what he was doing after the arraignment, he said
"I'm going to Disneyland!"
There was a big party today at the Neverland Ranch
after the arraignment. Michael even sent out invitations. It was "B.Y.O.B." -
bring your own boy.
What's with Michael wearing a white arm band? Arm bands
are black. Everything with him - black is white. Everything is the
opposite.
Michael's new lawyers might play the race card, after all, Michael
used to be black.
Now that Michael moved out of the Neverland Ranch, he can
sell it to the Boston Archdiocese.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, January 16, 2004:
Today Michael Jackson was
arraigned in California court. Afterwards Michael got on top of a car and did a
dance for fans.
He then had to stop when his brother Tito said, "Hey get off
the top of my house!"
Heard on Craig Kilborn, January 16, 2004:
Today in court Michael
Jackson showed up twenty minutes late for his arraignment. In his defense
though, how fast can you walk backwards, grab your crotch and have a chimp on
your shoulder at the same time?
January 18, 2004:
Fake psychic Uri Geller, known for bending spoons in his
magic act, defended his friend Michael Jackson saying that Michael, under
hypnosis in a recording studio at an undisclosed location three years ago,
denied sexually abusing children. The hypnotized Michael confessed "My relations
with children are very beautiful."
Geller said he was convinced that Michael
was telling him the truth. "I'm a good hypnotist and I know who is trying to
mislead me."
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/entertainment/news-article.aspx?storyid=13650
http://www.team4news.com/Global/story.asp?S=1605877
http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,8450035%255E2902,00.html
http://www.azcentral.com/ent/celeb/0120jacko.html
Polls on David Letterman, January 19, 2004:
10% say they
would feel safer with Saddam Hussein behind bars.
90% say they would feel
safer with Michael Jackson behind bars.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, January 20, 2004:
Michael Jackson has moved
from Neverland.
On the advice of his lawyers, he has moved to
NeverHappenedLand.
January 22, 2004:
Tonight is the Chinese New Year, the Year of the
Monkey.
To celebrate, Michael Jackson is letting Bubbles play with the
elephant man's bones.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, January 30, 2004:
Do you wonder if Michael
Jackson goes to prison, will he walk backwards in the shower?
February 1, 2004:
Justin Timberlake undressed Janet
Jackson during their Super Bowl performance.
It was a reverse -- for once, a
child touched a Jackson.
Their performance had a little touch of
crass.
Did Janet plan it?
Maybe Justin slipped Janet some wine in a soda
can...
Justin had to apologize for what he called a "wardrobe malfunction".
Sources claimed he only meant to expose Janet's red bra as he sang: "I'm gonna
get you naked by the end of this song."
And he did. Talk about talking
matters into your own hands...
Janet's game of peek-a-boob was quite an
in-your-face performance.
Don't you just hate it when you have a "wardrobe
malfunction" and your right breast pops out in front of a crowd of 70,000 people
and an estimated 143 million more watching TV?
Now we know why they call TV
the "boob tube".
Good thing that Janet had the foresight to wear that
sun-themed nipple shield so she still left a little something to
imagination.
Does Janet's left breast feel left out?
Some people called
the event a "wardrobe malfunction" but isn't a wardrobe that suddenly falls off
a woman functioning perfectly???
Show biz pundits said the stunt would boost
37-year-old Janet's career. After all, 37 is an ancient crone in
pop-years.
One pundit said: "She needed to do something to get people
interested in her again."
She needed to use her breast for attention... What
else could she use? Her talent??
Janet's act was the kind of idea that you
get when you have no ideas - the breast exposed the woman.
When Janet
unleashed her breast, it flopped out like you would expect for a woman of her
age.
If we're going to hell in a hand basket, couldn't the basket be more
attractive?
Couldn't hell have come up with anything better than a flash of
Jacksonian bosom?
Compared to the Bud Light ad featuring a flatulent horse,
an ad featuring a crotch-biting dog, an ad where Cedric the Entertainer received
a bikini wax, and the erectile dysfunctions ads (a Levitra ad featuring Mike
Ditka and a Cialis ad featuring a prominent disclaimer (or promise?) that
"erections lasting four hours" might require medical attention), was the little
performance by Janet Skankho Jackson and Justa Trousersnake that much out of
line?
After watching all of the bumping, grinding and groping on stage, I had
wonder if I'm the only man without a four-hour erection.
And what about the
other "performances" in the evening's Salute to Sexual Humiliation?
Nelly
kept gesturing towards his crotch.
Kid Rock apparently had so little to wear
that he had to desecrate an American flag and wear it as a poncho. At least he
didn't have any "wardrobe malfunctions" in his feeble attempt to display a
glimmer of patriotism. Maybe he was hoping that wearing a flag while screaming
obscenity-laden lyrics would cover up his lack of skill. Someone needs to tell
Mr. Rock that the white rapper thing has been over since Vanilla Ice.
The US
Flag Code http://www.usflag.org/us.code36.html#176
in Title 36, Chapter 10, Section 176 states in item (d) "The flag should
never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery." and in item (j)
"No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic
uniform."
Compared to previous half-time shows, this year's show had an
obvious talent void on stage.
Shock has become a tool of people who have
nothing to say but are more aggressive about saying it.
I wonder what will
happen at the next Jackson family reunion... What are LaToya and Jermaine going
to do to keep up with Michael and Janet?
Who'd have thought the day would
come when Michael wasn't the most embarrassing Jackson?
Breast wishes and
thanks for the mammaries...
All the fuss over Janet Jackson's Super Bowl stunt is merely a tempest in a
C-cup.
I have to say, if Janet Jackson keeps up stunts like this, her family might
get a scandalous reputation.
On the other hand, it's good to see that plastic
surgery can work for a Jackson.
Beauty and the Breast by Heath David Hart
Show your breast! Show
your breast!
Have your sidekick bare your chest!
Then pretend it's a
'malfunction' and the whole thing was in jest!
Flash your boob on the
tube!
Prove that Viacom's your rube!
Why, that nipple silver plating's
gonna top the TiVo ratings!
I'll be blunt: What a stunt!
(least you didn't
show your c...)
The FCC is pissed, you might have guessed.
You and
Michael, I suppose
need to both keep on your clothes.
So stay dressed! So
stay dressed! So stay dressed!
Q: What do Michael and Janet have in common?
A: They both like to expose
themselves to young boys.
Janet and Justin after the "wardrobe malfunction". http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20040202/i/r2794264459.jpg
and http://www.ultraclear.net/images/janet-tit.gif
and http://www.news24.com/Images/Photos/20040202201222just_jan.jpg
and http://www.ananova.com/images/web/82878.jpg
and http://www.apechild.com/images/r1453538398.jpg
and http://www.apechild.com/images/r2794264459.jpg
The Super Bowl streaker is at http://www.ultraclear.net/images/flasher.jpg
Janet exposed. http://www.apechild.com/images/jjt.jpg
and http://www.gigglechick.com/erin/blog/jjt.jpg
Exposing Super Bowl video http://www.sternfannetwork.com/forum/attachment.php?s=69040763cd664c559bd6f52a74c2296f&postid=347173
Buy the TitTazzler, only $19.95! http://uploads.ungrounded.net/149000/149079_tit_tazzler.swf
Janet's Right Tit interviewed by Larry King (Flash animation) http://kevina.tv/originalshorts/jrt.html
Supreme Court sends back ruling on Janet Jackson, May 5, 2009:
WASHINGTON
-- The Supreme Court ordered a lower court Monday to reconsider its decision to
throw out a fine against CBS for Janet Jackson's exposed breast during the 2004
Super Bowl halftime show.
In a brief order, the justices sent the case of the
"wardrobe malfunction," as Jackson's co-star Justin Timberlake termed it, back
to the lower appeals court in light of a related high court decision April
28.
The justices expressed no position Monday on the merits of the FCC's
effort to win reinstatement of a $550,000 fine against CBS in the Janet Jackson
case. The justices' action, however, gives the FCC another chance in the
Philadelphia-based U.S. Court of Appeals for the 3rd Circuit to justify its
indecency claim again against CBS.
In the Janet Jackson case, the 3rd Circuit
noted that the singer's bare breast was on camera nine-sixteenths of one second.
An overriding question was whether the FCC acted arbitrarily under federal
statute in finding the brief nudity indecent and warranting a fine.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/judicial/2009-05-04-scotus-wardrobe-malfunction_N.htm
http://www.nme.com/news/janet-jackson/44431
February 1, 2004: Super Bowl Breast Coverage: Michael to Janet: You're an
embarrassment to the family (joke)
Houston, TX - Michael Jackson,
the King of Pop and star of The Smoking Gun, released a statement this morning
through the Nation of Islam, condemning his sister's bare-breasted Super Bowl
halftime stunt. The stunt has become the most talked about story from the 2004
Super Bowl, overshadowing the Patriot victory and inciting more internet traffic
than MyDoom's swipe at SCO.
At the end of the performance, Justin Timberlake,
who is known for his über-impressive sexual résumé, ripped off part of Janet's
costume exposing her right breast. This while he sang "I can have you naked, by
the end of this song," a line from his "Rock Your Body" single. While Janet
quickly moved to cover her breast, the broadcast's sound was completely eclipsed
by a collective "damn!" and high-fives from men the world over.
Michael
stated that this incident is by far the most embarrassing of any Jackson
scandals in recent years.
"I've stood by Janet through thick and thin.
Through her nasty divorce, to the rumors of her espresso-laced enemas. But this
has gone too far. The Jackson family name has stood for dignity and pride for so
long. For her to ruin it with one fell swoop of Justin's perverted hand is
disgraceful. What will the world think of us now?
"To molest young boys is
one thing, the Catholic Church understands that. But to expose yourself in front
of 140 million people. Where does this madness end? We have to draw the line
somewhere."
Jermaine Jackson, who has been competing with Gloria Allred for
the coveted "Media Whore" title, offered his insightful commentary on Fox News
this morning.
"I'm kinda on the fence with this one. I mean, I love Janet
more than the world, but she shamed the family yesterday. Now, instead of the
Jackson name being synonymous with family values and man-boy love sleepovers, it
will be linked forever with Janet's bare breast. We can't have that."
http://www.thewiredpress.com/archives/culture/20040202_superbowl_janet.html
February 2, 2004: Ashcroft Detains Janet Jackson's Right Boob
(joke)
Half of Singer's Rack in US Custody
Just hours after singer
Janet Jackson shocked the world by exposing her right boob at the conclusion of
Sunday's Super Bowl halftime show, Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered the
offending boob detained "indefinitely," Mr. Ashcroft confirmed today.
"Janet
Jackson's right boob has been taken into custody and sent to Guantanamo Bay for
questioning," Mr. Ashcroft told reporters in a Washington briefing. "We'd very
much like to know what the boob knew and when it knew it."
Ms. Jackson's
right boob was detained under a little-known provision of the Patriot Act which
enables the government to detain celebrity body parts that make surprise, naked
appearances at nationally televised sporting events.
Under that provision,
Mr. Ashcroft explained, Ms. Jackson's right boob will not have access to a
lawyer and could face a military tribunal at some point in the future.
When
asked about Ms. Jackson's left boob, Mr. Ashcroft said that it is not a suspect
at this time but that it remains "a boob of interest."
"We would like to know
if the left boob knew what the right boob was planning to do," Mr. Ashcroft
said. "It strains credulity to imagine that the right boob acted
alone."
Elsewhere, experts around the world confirmed that moments after Ms.
Jackson's right boob fell out of its housing, Western civilization fell as
well.
Dr. Milton Campeaux of the University of Minnesota said that experts
were "surprised" that Ms. Jackson caused Western civilization's long-awaited
collapse.
"We all expected a Jackson to do it, but not Janet," he said.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=792
Heard on Jay Leno, February 2, 2004:
What a game yesterday? Wasn't
that a great game? New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers both played a
great game yesterday. I'm mad, I lost big time yesterday. I bet a thousand bucks
that Janet Jackson would show her left breast.
Did you watch that half time
show? Finally a half time show for straight guys!
Did you all see that during
the half time show? I guess Janet was singing a duet with Justin Timberlake and
at the end he ripped off part of her costumes exposing one of her breasts. Boy,
that was ironic, for once a Jackson getting molested.
Of course for viewers
here in Los Angeles it was especially shocking. And most guys in this town have
ever seen a real breast before.
I just hope what Janet did at halftime
doesn't, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.
Justin
Timberlake said it was a "wardrobe malfunction", what were both breasts supposed
to fall out?
Today CBS apologized for Janet showing her breast. Forget that -
how about CBS apologizing for Richard showing his fat ass on "Survivor". That's
the apology I want.
I love how high and mighty they get - they said "The
moment did not conform to CBS's broadcast standards." "Standards?" What
standards? They ran a commercial with a horse farting in a woman's
face.
Today the Chairman of the FCC announced that he's launching an
"immediate and swift" investigation into what they're calling "nipplegate".
Immediate and swift investigation; however, we have to wait till next year to
find out why we went to war in Iraq.
Heard on David Letterman, February 2, 2004:
At least now, I'm not
the buggest boob on television!
Justin Timberlake called the incident a
"wardrobe malfunction". The last time I had one of those I became a
father.
After the game, President Bush called the Patriots to congratulate
them on the win.
Former VP Al Gore called the Panthers to tell them he
thought they had been robbed.
And former President Clinton called up Janet
Jackson.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, February 2, 2004:
Last night thousands of
people called CBS demanding apologies - and I'm not even on Sundays.
Just my
luck - in the office pool I had Janet taking off Justin's bra.
February 3, 2004:
"The decision to have a costume reveal at the end of my
halftime show performance was made after final rehearsals," Jackson said in a
statement.
"They can apologize all they want, but this was wrong, and heads
are going to fall," said New York-based media strategist Robbie Vorhaus, who
once worked for CBS.
Performing together in a routine that had included a
number of bump-and-grind moves, Timberlake reached across Jackson, flicking off
the molded right cup of the bustier, leaving her breast bare except for a
starburst-shaped decoration held in place by a nipple piercing.
On Monday,
Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell said that he was
outraged by the show and ordered an investigation of the incident.
Powell
told CNN he was not convinced the incident was an accident.
"Clearly somebody
had knowledge of it. Clearly it was something that was planned by someone," he
said. "She probably got what she was looking for."
Of course, when it comes
to honest investigations, Michael, like his father Colin, leave a little
something to be desired. Michael wouldn't hurt a media company any sooner than
Colin would admit that he was lying to the UN about images of Iraqi
WMD.
Michael has long been in the big media's pocket and is leading a drive
by the FCC to relax 25-year-old regulations that limit the number of stations
and newspapers that a single broadcaster can own in the same market. As chairman
of the FCC, Michael has never met a media merger that he didn't like.
Tom
Freston, chairman and CEO of MTV Networks, claimed that MTV was "Punk'd" by
Janet Jackson.
Apparently Mr. Freston neglected to read MTV's web site, which
had teased last week: "Janet Jackson's Super Bowl show promises shocking
moments."
The stock price of Viacom, the parent of CBS, rose more than 1
percent Monday.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/02/02/superbowl.jackson/
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,110114,00.html
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1484644/20040128/jackson_janet.jhtml?headlines=true
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_861810.html
http://www.drudgereport.com/mattjj.htm
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4137568/
http://www.gigglechick.com/erin/blog/002902.php
http://www.cbs.sportsline.com/nfl/story/7055467
http://dir.salon.com/tech/feature/2001/08/06/powell/index.html
Heard on David Letterman, February 3, 2004:
Everyone is still
talking about the Super Bowl halftime show. People are upset, they're accusing
each other, they're denying, no response from some - the FCC is going to
investigate. And today President Bush formed the Department of Wardrobe
Security.
President Bush slept through the halftime show - typical CBS
viewer.
CBS is pleading ignorance over the stunt at the Super Bowl. Pleading
ignorance. Why not? That's what they do with this show.
They say it was a
"wardrobe malfunction". President Clinton must be wondering, "Why didn't I think
of that?"
Heard on Jay Leno, February 3, 2004:
Earlier today, Janet Jackson's
breast came out and saw its shadow. Which means six more weeks of winter.
How
many of you watched that half time show on Sunday - or as they're calling it now
America's Cup.
I got carpal tunnel from playing the TiVo back and
forth.
You know who was really mad about this whole thing? President Bush. In
fact today he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal.
I was
shocked to hear this - Janet admitted today that yes the whole thing was a stunt
and it was planned. (sarcastic tone) I thought it was a complete
accident...
Janet's right breast issued and apology and will remain in
seclusion for the next two weeks.
FCC Chairman Michael Powell said he
gathered with his family to watch the show, but instead got a classless, crass
and deplorable stunt. Or as we call that here at NBC... "Fear Factor". We do it
every Monday!
CBS said they may bar Janet Jackson from the Grammy's because
of what happened at the Super Bowl. Isn't that kind of tit for tat?
It was
quite a show wasn't it - there was a streaker, Janet Jackson's breast was
exposed and Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. I was surprised that
John Ashcroft's head didn't explode during that thing.
CBS said today that's
why they put that "X-X-X" in the title. That's not roman numerals, it's the
rating!
CBS has spent the last two days apologizing. Because you know, they
didn't know... You know I think they should also apologize for Mike Ditka
talking about his "ditka".
Did you see those ads for the Viagra-type pill
called Levitra, where the big symbolism is he throws a football through a tire?
Could you make it a little more obvious, Mike? Wouldn't a javelin be
better?
What a country we live in - we don't have a cure for cancer but we've
got 11 new ways to give a man an erection.
Today was Super Tuesday - that's
when Janet shows both breasts.
Janet Jackson's 'malfunction' fine nixed, July 22, 2008:
A federal appeals
court Monday threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS for Janet Jackson's
breast-baring "wardrobe malfunction" at the 2004 Super Bowl.
The court found
that the FCC fine for the "broadcast of a nine-sixteenths of one second glimpse
of a bare female breast" deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining
broadcast indecency only when it was extremely "pervasive."
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/07/22/2008-07-22_janet_jacksons_malfunction_fine_nixed.html
http://uk.reuters.com/article/televisionNews/idUKN2140410720080722
http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/chi-tue-wardrobe-malfunctionjul22,0,2713935.story
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/22/business/media/22FCC.html?ref=us
http://uk.eonline.com/uberblog/b147223_court_nixes_fine_janets_super_bowl_boob.html
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20213687,00.html
Q: What do little boys hate about staying at Michael Jackson's ranch?
A:
The two-drink minimum.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 3, 2004:
Janet Jackson today
released a statement apologizing for her breast being exposed.
After that,
Michael Jackson issued a statement asking what is a breast.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, February 3, 2004:
I was watching VH-1 today
and Janet Jackson's right breast was on "Where Are They Now".
President Bush
said today that if we don't uphold standards and decency then the nipples have
won.
The event was so crass and so sleazy that Fox is performing their own
investigation to see why they didn't do it first.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 4, 2004:
CBS announced today they will
be using a five second tape delay when they televise the Grammy's next week so
they can stop any artist who attempts to flash. This is basically a booby
trap.
More problems for Janet Jackson. Last night, she was pulled over and
ticketed by police. It seems one of her headlights was out.
The President of
MTV Judy McGrath, who produced the halftime show, said she was "Horrified". So
apparently she doesn't watch MTV.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, February 4, 2004:
"Martha
Stewart" is to "sold ImClone after tip-off" as
"Janet Jackson" is to "showed
nipple after kick-off".
"Justin Timberlake in 2004" is to "grabbed Janet
Jackson's breast" as
"Justin Timberlake in 2008" is to "governor of
California"
February 4, 2004: Justin Timberlake Fumbles Boob Handoff From Janet
Jackson; Panthers Nipped in Super Bowl
HOUSTON, Texas - In what turned
out to be the key play in Super Bowl XXXVIII, Justin Timberlake fumbled a bra
cap handoff from Janet Jackson midway through the game, stopping all forward
momentum. Red hot through the half, Timberlake and Jackson left the game shortly
after the miscue.
New England coach, Bill Belichick, keeping abreast of the
situation from the sidelines, said later that the fumble was the turning point
for his team.
"I think it was a planned move. I saw Timberlake going to
Jackson's chest and thought, 'Holy cow, this is a package we haven't seen in
game film.' Jackson didn't seem to be caught by surprise. What a boob. She was
left standing there totally exposed."
"It was a busted play," he added.
"Timberlake blamed equipment failure, but it's a poor workman who blames his
tool."
The NFL said that Timberlake was out of bounds during the play.
New
England went on to defeat the Panthers, 32-29, in what many are calling the most
exciting and titillating game in Super Bowl history.
http://www.bongonews.com/layout4.php?event=865
Heard on Jay Leno, February 5, 2004:
As you know Queen Latifah is
on the show tonight. In the event that she flashes a breast, I'd like to warn
the first three rows to stand back.
I never thought I'd say this, but you
know something - I am sick and tired of looking Janet Jackson's right
breast.
Do you know Janet Jackson's little halftime stunt has become the most
searched event in the history of the internet? See, it proves once again that if
you take out your breast during the Super Bowl halftime show, people will
watch.
Next year the Super Bowl is on Fox. How sleazy is that halftime show
going to be?
Today Justin Timberlake said he was "frustrated" by the whole
Janet Jackson incident. Sure. He only got to first base of course he's
frustrated.
They kicked Janet Jackson off the Grammy's, is this fair, but
they're letting Justin Timberlake stay on. Flash your breast and you're in
trouble, reach for a breast and you're get to be on the Grammy's and you get to
be Governor of California.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2004:
Last month was one of the
coldest months in New York history. It must be cold because when Janet Jackson
was here, she almost put an eye out.
Still a lot of controversy over the
Super Bowl halftime show. Justin Timberlake's parents said they were even
embarrassed by the halftime show. They then went on to say that they were
embarrassed before the game.
Quote by Jermaine Jackson, February 6, 2004:
"It wasn't done
intentionally. It looked like an accident. I'm going to believe
that."
Apparently Jermaine is in full self-denial, just like a good Jackson
should.
http://entertainment.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=148990
http://tampatrib.com/News/MGAD63TUBQD.html
Woman sues over Janet Jackon's breast, February 6, 2004:
A
Tennessee woman has filed a class action suit against Janet Jackson and others
involved in her breast-baring Super Bowl halftime show, saying millions of
people are owed monetary damages for exposure to lewd conduct.
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20040206/od_uk_nm/oukoe_media_jackson_2
Heard on Jay Leno, February 6, 2004:
I guess you heard - CBS is
barring Janet Jackson from the Grammy Awards. I guess that CBS would prefer to
go with more wholesome performers like R. Kelly, and Christina Aguilera, rappers
who talk about their ho's and bitches.
Because of Janet Jackson's performance
at the Super Bowl, the Grammy Awards will now be on a five minute delay. So they
can take out any mistakes. Dick Cheney now wants to use the technology on
President Bush's speeches.
Even though Janet Jackson has been dropped from
the Grammy's, Justin Timberlake is still performing. I don't know who Justin
will be performing with at the Grammy's, but I'm kinda hoping for Dolly Parton.
That wouldn't be any one handed deal.
Heard on David Letterman, February 6, 2004:
CBS is not allowing
Janet Jackson to perform at the Grammy's. Hey if CBS is concerned about nudity
then why don't they get rid of that naked fat guy on "Survivor"?
Heard on Saturday Night Live, February 7, 2004:
On Groundhog Day,
Janet Jackson's breast took a peak outside its bra and saw its shadow, so we
will have six more weeks of bad reactions.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 9, 2004:
Here's the scorecard from last
night's Grammys - censors 15, naked breasts 0. Pretty much a wipeout.
As you
know by now, Janet Jackson was not there last night. It seems she caught a chest
cold.
In fact, Janet Jackson's current boyfriend says that Janet is holding
up fine. Which is good news, because I thought she was starting to sag a
little.
Quote by Sharon Osborne, February 9, 2004:
You did it, [ so ] own
it. And next time, take both [ breasts ] out! Not just one - both! Come on! ...
CBS says they "regret the incident" and the NFL says they're "extremely
disappointed." Well, I was disappointed in just seeing one.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 11, 2004:
Because of Valentine's Day,
Victoria's Secret is having something called the "Janet Jackson Lingerie Sale" -
all bras half off.
Heard on David Letterman, February 11, 2004:
Today there was a
congressional hearing on the Super Bowl halftime show. They don't have time for
a hearing on Iraq or Enron, but they have time for a bra.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 16, 2004:
The "New York Times" is
reporting that Michael Jackson is broke. They said that he owes $70 million for
a loan to Bank of America that he can't repay. It's supposed to be due tomorrow.
Give you an idea how broke he is. Over the weekend he was seen dancing on top of
public transportation.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 16, 2004 (rerun from early
November):
CBS is currently negotiating with Michael Jackson to star in a
music special later this month. When asked about it, Jackson said, "CBS is doing
its best to attract young people and so am I."
Notes From The Field by Robert X. Cringley, February 16,
2004:
Speaking of Action Jackson, word on the street is America Online has
asked CBS to refund some of the reported $10 million it paid to expose its own
products during the game. Apparently AOL felt overwhelmed by Ms. Jackson's, um,
performance. I've just thought of another great way to use AOL disks -- added
protection in case of wardrobe malfunction.
Heard on David Letterman, February 19, 2004:
So many celebrities
are in prison... Diana Ross is in jail. She had to give up her hair-dryer, her
lipstick, her ... -- oh, that's Michael Jackson.
Stamps of Crayon Colors That Didn't Make It from Conan O'Brien,
February 19, 2004
Acne Red
Puke Green
Michael Jackson White
Jacko, Ex-Wife In New Legal Beef, February 24, 2004:
There just might be
something to all this talk about strife between Michael Jackson and ex-wife
Deborah Rowe, who has reportedly been miffed about the singer's contact with the
Nation of Islam. Rowe, who is Jewish, had expressed concern that the couple's
two children, Paris and Prince, were being exposed to the anti-Semitic NOI. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/rowevjack1.html
Heard on David Letterman, March 3, 2004:
Here's a sad thing today -
a lot of our top stars are in jail or are going to jail. It's sad. And now
Michael Jackson might be addicted to alcohol and painkillers. He's an addict.
Looks like he's finally made his transformation to Diana Ross.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, March 11, 2004:
Michael Jackson gets
Kentucky Fried Chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner whenever he uses his
private plane. Not surprisingly Michael always asks that the dark meat be
bleached white.
Michael Jackson wants his stuff back, March 23, 2004:
Michael Jackson is
looking to stop a New Jersey man from selling items such as "personal financial
documents, medical records (some of which bear Jackson's social security
number), private contracts and personal photographs." http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0323041jackson1.html
and http://www.courttv.com/news/2004/0324/jackson_ap.html
Heard on David Letterman, March 24, 2004:
Here's more celebrity
news. Michael Jackson -- remember who he is -- you know, I think something might
be wrong with him.
He needed a break, so he took the kids to Hawaii. He likes
it there because he can go right up to the edge of a volcano and dangle his kids
over it.
Heard on David Letterman, March 30, 2004:
Janet Jackson was on the
show last night. If you're keeping score at home that's Janet Jackson - two and
Courtney Love - one.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 31, 2004:
Today Michael Jackson was in
Washington where he met with a number of congressmen...
He might have to lie
under oath pretty soon so he wanted to get some advice from the experts.
Poll appoints most foolish, April 1, 2004:
For the fifth
consecutive April Fools' Day, Jeff Barge has released his "Most Foolish
American" survey, a ranking of America's 23 greatest fools. Only a fool would be
shocked to learn that Michael Jackson, the once-upon-a-time King of Pop
accused of child molestation, has been named the country's top fool for a
second straight year, followed closely by runners-up Janet Jackson
and Martha Stewart, who tied for second breast, uh, best. Spears, the
midriff-revealing, marriage-annulling train wreck, placed a foolhardy
fourth.
Janet Jackson came in a close second, backed by 70% of respondents.
The female performer made front-page news following the exposure of her breast,
or "wardrobe malfunction," during a half-time show of American football's Super
Bowl in February.
"Obviously they are giving each other advice," said Barge
of the pop siblings. "And it's not good advice," he added.
Michael Jackson
was named the most foolish American of 2003 after dangling his baby son over a
Berlin hotel room balcony above press photographers last year.
http://onenews.nzoom.com/onenews_detail/0,1227,264654-1-455,00.html
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1516&ncid=1516&e=18&u=/afp/20040330/od_afp/us_jackson_people_040330215311
Heard on Jay Leno, April 9, 2004:
In case you haven't heard, the
Easter Egg Hunt at the Neverland Ranch has been postponed until after the
trial.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 12, 2004:
According to the tabloids,
Michael Jackson has a secret plan to leave America and hide out in Africa. Is
that really the best place for Michael to blend in, Africa? Wouldn't Sweden work
out better for him right now?
Heard on Jay Leno, April 22, 2004:
In the Mideast, Jermaine Jackson
spoke out against U.S. policy. The Jackson family is in the Mideast. Finally.
The voice of reason. Get Joe there with the belt, "Shhh".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 23, 2004:
In the year 2000, Michael
Jackson leaves his body to science...
In particular, to a 7th grade all-boys
science class.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 26, 2004:
What a crowd! You sound as happy
as Mark Geragos when he heard he didn't have to defend Michael Jackson
anymore!
That's the big story: Michael and Mark Geragos have split up.
Apparently, Michael's upset with Geragos because he wouldn't play ball. He also
wouldn't play tag, hide-'n'-seek or kick the can.
Actually, the other rumor
is that Mark Geragos quit. See, that's when you know you're in trouble, when
your lawyer looks at both his big cases and decides Scott Peterson may be the
more innocent one.
Heard on David Letterman, April 26, 2004:
Michael Jackson's
attorneys resigned. They had thought that they were defending Diana
Ross.
When I heard that Michael Jackson was firing someone, I thought that he
should fire his plastic surgeon.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 27, 2004:
According to Fox News, Michael's
lawyer's quit because Michael doesn't like other people having direct access to
him. Boy is he going to hate prison. Oh my God!
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 27, 2004:
Michael Jackson fired his
lawyers because he thought that they were ignoring him. He said that if he
wanted to be ignored, he would have released a new album.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2004:
To give you an idea how hot it
was today, Michael Jackson was asking kids "What they would do for a Klondike
bar."
Heard on David Letterman, April 28, 2004:
On my way to work this
morning my cab driver was named the new head of Hamaas.
Good gig! Leaders of
Hamaas last about as long as Michael Jackson attorneys.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 29, 2004:
Janet Jackson is here tonight:
She was once very close to Justin Timberlake - but I guess they had a falling
out.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 29, 2004:
Michael Jackson fired his
bodyguards today -- they made the mistake of keeping young boys away from
him.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 6, 2004:
They predict something like 80
million people are going to watch the final episode of Friends tonight.
Eighty-million. That's right up there with Janet Jackson's right breast.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, May 11, 2004:
Female comic from SNL: Of all
the men that I play on the show, Michael Jackson takes the least amount of
make-up -- just a nose.
Conan: It makes sense -- you are a white woman...
Jacko hits the (baby) bottle, May 21, 2004:
Just when you thought
the train wreck that has become Michael Jackson's life couldn't get any weirder:
Former child star Macaulay Culkin's reclusive father, Kit, says he once
discovered his young son, Rory, sitting on the floor with Jackson, both of them
sucking on baby bottles.
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/05/21/1085028505845.html
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/people/174276_people21.html
http://www.babyweb.com.au/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1128
http://www.insideedition.com/Culkin.htm
Michael making new friends at the prison bakery.
http://www.freakingnews.com/view.asp?entry=1418
http://www.pianoladynancy.com/funnypics_toons/prisonbakery.htm
http://www.dlhill.com/usedpics/PrisonBakery.jpg
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_apr2004/PrisonBakery.jpg
Heard on Conan O'Brien, May 26, 2004:
It's being reported that
Michael Jackson is considering moving to somewhere in Africa -- then he found
out that the country of Chad is not a little boy.
Jackson settled first child molestation suit for approximately $25
million, June 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson paid out more than $25 million to
settle a civil suit by a boy who accused him of molesting him in 1993.
http://www.courttv.com/news/jackson/061504_ctv.html
Heard on David Letterman, June 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson was seen
at a Taco Bell in L.A. He was seen at a Taco Bell and he was wearing a Spiderman
mask. If this guy isn't careful people might start thinking he was weird.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 18, 2004:
Here's something unbelievable --
in an interview in the "Sunday Express of London", Janet Jackson claims in a new
interview that the Super Bowl halftime controversy was a conservative plot to
distract people from what was really going on in the world. Oh yeah, it was just
a vast right breast conspiracy.
Heard on David Letterman, June 22, 2004:
Do you remember that guy
that streaked at the Super Bowl? He was sentenced to six months in jail. And
still on the loose in the streets is Janet Jackson.
Amazon has "29% off" label on the new Janet Jackson album.
Wonder what the
FCC will have to say about that?
Heard on David Letterman, July 12, 2004:
The cicadas are finally
gone. They came and made a lot of noise. Now they are gone and won't return for
17 years. Which means the next time they return it might be in time for the
Michael Jackson trial.
Progressive Pictures on Conan O'Brien, July 13, 2004:
Spider,
Snake, Frog, Michael Jackson...
These are things more likely to show up in a
Boy Scout's tent.
Heard on Jay Leno, July 21, 2004:
Yesterday of course was the 35th
anniversary of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. One kind of embarrassing
thing, when President Bush heard it was the 35th anniversary of the moonwalk, he
sent a congratulatory telegram to Michael Jackson!
Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 21, 2004:
Michael Jackson is in the
news again. "Us Weekly" reports that Michael Jackson and a surrogate mother are
having quadruplets. They think Michael is having quadruplets because he's adding
four new balconies to his house.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 23, 2004:
Michael Jackson denies that
he is having quadruplets. He said that he doesn't feel right about bringing
children into the world when there's people like him around.
Heard on Jay Leno, July 28, 2004:
This is the third woman that
Michael Jackson has had artificially inseminated. How does that happen? Does he
walk down the street, see a woman, and say to himself, "I'd love to artificially
inseminate her!"
Heard on Jay Leno, July 29, 2004:
Michael Jackson has been accused
of forcing a child to make a video absolving him. Social workers called it
depraved. Lawyers called it suspicious. Catholic priests called it a good idea
and asked themselves why they never thought of that.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, August 6, 2004:
VH1 is showing a TV movie
about Michael Jackson called "Man in the Mirror".
Their next movie is about
Tito Jackson. It will be called "Man in the Cardboard Box".
From RangerJim93, August 17, 2004:
Diana Ross Greatest Hits-Volume
1.
Side One
1. Lady Sings The Booze
2. Smashed Again
3. Hit And Run
Shuffle
4. Drunk Tank Blues
5. Pickle Me Once, Pickle Me Twice
Side
Two
1. All Over The Road Again
2. That Run Down Feeling (of the Pedestrian
I Hit)
3. Side Swipe Sonata
4. Beating The Meat (with Michael
Jackson)
5. Supreme Hangover Blues
Volume 2.
Side One.
1. Somewhere
at Neverland
2. Thank Heaven for Predators
3. He Touched Me, He Groped
Me
4. I'm Getting Horny Over (Michael Jackson) You.
5. Masturbation at
First Sight.
Side Two
1. Thank Heavens for Little Boys
2. Behind The
Green Door
3. Horny In The Court
4. Gay Hound On the Greyhound
5. This
Lady is Michael's Tramp
Heard on Jay Leno, September 8, 2004:
Thanks for coming out on such
a hot day! Man was it hot today! What was it, 106? I tell you, it was so hot,
today Michael Jackson paid off an Eskimo kid ... what would you do for a
Klondike Bar?
From RangerJim93, September 13, 2004:
Michael Jackson to Dr. Ross: "Gee, I
have not been feeling myself lately."
Dr. Ross replies, "Well, Michael, WHO
have you been feeling?"
Michael Jackson to Dr. D. Ross: "Gee, Doc, I have not been feeling myself
lately."
Dr. Ross: "Michael, who have you been feeling?"
MJ: "That is for
me to know and for you to find out."
Heard on Jay Leno, September 17, 2004:
Michael Jackson was in court
today, facing the mother of the boy he's accused of molesting.
I don't think
he helped his case any when he said, "Which one was your kid?"
Heard on Jay Leno, September 27, 2004:
Did you hear that Macaulay
Culkin was arrested?
If he goes to jail, Michael Jackson might pull a
Martha Steward and demand jail time immediately.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, October 19, 2004:
"Derek Jeter"
is to "best loved in majors" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "best loved in
minors".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, October 29, 2004 (rerun):
A big weekend
this Sunday. It's Father's Day. Or, as Michael Jackson's kids call it, "Don't
Remind Me Day."
Heard on David Letterman, November 10, 2004:
Do you remember the
Super Bowl and the half-time thing where Janet Jackson dropped her deal? CBS has
been fined $500,000 for that. That's the most money CBS has paid for a boob
since they hired me!
New York City vs. LA on Conan O'Brien, November 18, 2004:
New York
has the Museum of Human Oddities...
LA has Nick Nolte and Michael
Jackson.
Heard on Jay Leno, November 18, 2004:
Michael Jackson is in the
news again -- this time he's being sued for $3 million by a film producer who
claims Michael never repaid him the money he loaned him. Isn't that
unbelievable? Michael Jackson being sued by a grown-up? Has that ever happened
before?
Heard on Jay Leno, November 24, 2004:
Michael Jackson's brother
Jermaine Jackson has filed for divorce from his wife. Here's the odd part:
Michael has asked for custody of the children.
Heard on Jay Leno, December 7, 2004:
You can tell it's the
holidays. Authorities raided the Neverland Ranch today and found Michael Jackson
in bed with the little drummer boy.
Authorities have tested Michael Jackson's
DNA and made an astonishing discovery ... they now think Michael Jackson may be
a black man in his 40s.
Heard on Jay Leno, December 9, 2004:
More problems for Michael
Jackson. Today his inner child filed a restraining order against him.
The
"National Enquirer" says the police found Michael Jackson's stash of porn in a
briefcase at the Neverland Ranch. See, that just shows you how truly strange
Michael Jackson is - what guy hides his porno in a briefcase. You hide it in
your sock drawer like any good American.
Heard on Jay Leno, December 14, 2004:
Yesterday the jury sentenced
Scott Peterson to death. Not only that, they said they think Michael Jackson is
guilty as hell, too.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 23, 2004:
The other day Michael
Jackson had a big Christmas party at the Neverland Ranch which was attended by a
lot of children. Afterwards Jackson was visited by the Ghost of Don't You Ever
Learn!
Heard on Jay Leno, January 6, 2005:
It does not look good for
Michael Jackson. The prosecution evidence in the Michael Jackson case starting
to leak out. Did you hear about this today? When police searched Michael's
bedroom, this is true, they confiscated a pair of "Hanes underwear, size small".
Here's the creepy thing: he had them mounted on the wall.
According to the
documents just unsealed, this is absolutely true, you'll see this on the news
tonight, Michael Jackson nicknamed one of his young boys "blowhole". That's what
it said. I have two words - case closed.
Heard on Jay Leno, January 11, 2005:
Let's see what's going on in
the little people versus Michael Jackson case.
According to police reports,
Michael Jackson gave underage kids red wine hidden in cans of Diet Coke. Now
that's just wrong, isn't it? I mean, the guy signed a deal with Pepsi. He
shouldn't be crossing over like that.
Heard on David Letterman, January 12, 2004:
The Michael Jackson
trial will be going on soon. Cameras aren't allowed in the courtroom, so the E
Channel is going to re-create the trial every day with actors. They're looking
for actors and actresses to play the roles. I will be playing the role of
Tito.
They're having a difficult time of casting. When you think about it,
for Michael Jackson they need to find a bleached-faced man that's had seven nose
jobs. They asked Diana Ross but she was busy.
Heard on Kilborn, January 12, 2004:
The prosecutors in the Michael
Jackson case are looking for a way to get Jackson. They're now focusing on the
new law -- three tykes and you're out.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, January 19, 2005:
"Michael
Jackson 2005" is to "surveying juror pool" as
"Michael Jackson 2006" is to
"surveying kiddie pool".
Heard on Jay Leno, January 25, 2005:
Prosecutors in the Michael
Jackson case want the children's testimony to be kept secret. To which Michael
Jackson said, "Hey, if these kids could keep a secret, I wouldn't be here."
Heard on Jay Leno, January 27, 2005:
It was on this day back in
1984 that Michael Jackson was burned on his head while filming a TV commercial
for Pepsi. I believe that's the last time Michael Jackson was considered
hot.
Let's see what's new in the Michael Jackson trial -- or, as it's now
being called, "Fondling Neverland."
Prosecutors now say they want to display
Michael Jackson's porn collection for the jury. Why do they always call it a
"porn collection"? Are men really porn collectors? Do guys go to flea markets on
the weekends looking for porn? "Oh, look, a rare 1979 copy of 'Black Licorice.'
I've been looking all over for this. I found it! I got it for two dollars!"
Heard on Jay Leno, January 28, 2005:
On Monday, a judge will
introduce Michael Jackson to 300 prospective jurors. Does anyone need to be
introduced to Michael Jackson? Are the jurors sitting there going, "Now which
one is Michael? Is it the guy in the drum major outfit with half a nose?"
Heard on Jay Leno, January 31, 2005:
Prosecutors say they want to
ban Michael Jackson from wearing sunglasses in the courtroom. But Jackson says
he can't take them off, because they hold his nose in place. His glasses and
nose are one piece.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 1, 2005:
What a crowd! You sound like
Michael Jackson when he heard the judge call for a ten-minute recess. "Recess?
Let's go, kids!"
Today on the news they were talking about the racial
composition of the jury pool. They said it's about 20 percent African-American
and 75 percent white ... oh, I'm sorry. That's Michael Jackson.
You know who
I feel really sorry for today? Robert Blake. Did you see what happened to him?
All the reporters left his trial and went up to cover Michael's. "Hey, come on,
you guys. Who do I have to shoot in this town?!"
Heard on Ferguson, February 1, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial
started today. At one point during the trial the judge called for a recess and
Michael said, "Goodie, where are the kids?"
Heard on Jay Leno, February 2, 2005:
Welcome to "The Tonight Show".
The entire audience tonight is made up of dismissed Michael Jackson
jurors.
About a hundred fans turned out to cheer Michael Jackson at the
courthouse today. That's not a good sign; when the people supporting you are
outnumbered by the witnesses scheduled to testify against you.
At jury
selection today one woman was allowed to go home because she is eight months
pregnant. When he heard that Michael said, "I hope it's a boy".
How's this
for a bombshell -- it seems Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe, the mother of
his children is going to testify against him. When Michael heard that, it made
his whole face drop. Luckily, an aide was there to pick it up and put it back
on.
Heard on Letterman, February 2, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is
about to start out in California. That guy is kind of weird I think. They're
doing jury selection right now. Michael is to be judged by a jury of his peers.
So they're looking for 12 surgically altered freaks.
Heard on Letterman, February 3, 2005:
Are you following the Michael
Jackson trial? Are you like me and think this guy might be a little weird?
They're doing jury selection and Michael showed up to court wearing all black.
Do you think that's such a good idea for a guy in his position to look like a
priest?
Heard on Jay Leno, February 4, 2005:
You all excited about the
Super Bowl? As you know, they have extra security at the Super Bowl. Just in
case a terrorist tries to get in or a breast tries to get out.
It looks like
we'll be hearing a lot about the "No Child Left Behind" program over the next
few months. But enough about Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson's ex-wife
Debbie Rowe has agreed to testify against him. Today Michael called Robert Blake
and said, "How do you get to Vitello's?"
Jackson said in the Geraldo
interview that he designed Neverland so he could enjoy the childhood he never
had. Drinking wine while going through your porn collection? Hey I never had
that childhood either. What childhood is that?
Jackson said in the Geraldo
interview that he designed Neverland so he could enjoy the childhood he never
had. You know he's been saying this since he was 20.
Michael Jackson is 46.
You've had a childhood for 26 years. Quit saying you never had a childhood.
You've now had the longest childhood in the world. You've never had an
adulthood. That's what you've never had.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 7, 2005:
In Boston, the Priest Paul
Shanley was found guilty on all counts in his sex abuse trial. I guess that
means Michael Jackson is losing a character witness.
Things are not looking
good for Michael Jackson and his "no child left behind" policy.
Did you see
Michael Jackson's interview with Geraldo Rivera? Michael defends his sister's
wardrobe malfunction. He said he told her at the time, "Don't worry, I've seen
worse". Yeah, that's why he's on trial! Hello!
Heard on Jay Leno, February 8, 2005:
I watched some softball over
the weekend -- Geraldo's interview with Michael.
Michael Jackson said in his
interview that being a celebrity has made him a target ... well, that and having
sex with young boys.
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe is talking about
suing Michael for custody of the children. And today Michael said, "Look, you
can have them when they turn 15."
Heard on Jay Leno, February 9, 2005:
A worldwide anti-terrorism
conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia. An anti-terrorism conference in
Saudi Arabia. Kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland
Ranch.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 9, 2005:
In a recent interview,
Corey Feldman says that some parts of his childhood relationship with Michael
Jackson were not so innocent. What's even more shocking is that someone
interviewed Corey Feldman.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 10, 2005:
The E Channel is hiring
an actor to play the role of Michael Jackson in their re-enactment of the trial.
They've also hired Tito to play Tito.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 11, 2005:
That's the big story today.
Former child star Corey Feldman has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael
Jackson case. I think this is the first callback Corey has had since the movie
"Goonies"!
Heard on Letterman, February 11, 2005:
You know Whitman's
chocolate? They've come out with a special commemorative Michael Jackson candy.
It's lovely, it's delicious -- it's white chocolate with a nut inside.
Heard on Letterman, February 15, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is
going on. Listen to the list of witnesses for the defense. There's Liz Taylor,
Quincy Jones, Diana Ross and Kobe Bryant. How are they getting better guests
than us?!
The trial has been delayed because Michael had to be rushed to the
hospital due to the flu. No word yet on his condition, but I bet we can rule out
"stable."
Heard on Jay Leno, February 16, 2005:
Good news today from the
hospital - Michael Jackson's condition has been upgraded from nutball to
weirdo.
Here's my question - how do you know when Michael Jackson is sick?
Does the color suddenly return to his cheeks?
Actually if you saw the press
conference - doctors in the E.R. examined Michael for over an hour. They said it
was like an episode of alien autopsy. None of the organs were in the same
place...
But the good news is, they said this is the first time Michael
Jackson could actually go into a hospital and come out with the same nose he
went in with.
Have you heard about this? This is true. For some reason, I'm
being called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually they told me
I'm a minor witness. As opposed to most of the witnesses who are minors.
Heard on Letterman, February 16, 2005:
Kobe Bryant is a witness for
the defense in the Michael Jackson trial. That makes a lot of sense too. When
you think character witness, you think Kobe Bryant!
Michael Jackson was
rushed to the hospital yesterday due to the flu. His condition has since been
upgraded from serious to creepy.
Heard on Ferguson, February 16, 2005:
Michael Jackson checked into
a hospital yesterday for the flu. But he's doing fine now. Today he was dangling
his doctor from a balcony.
Doctors say he will be fine and back to freaking
people out within 72 hours.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 17, 2005:
As you know on Tuesday,
Michael was rushed to the hospital with nausea, dizziness and vomiting.
Apparently on the way to the courthouse his lawyers must have showed him all the
evidence against him.
I was trying to see if there were any stories in the
news that are not about Michael Jackson... Here's one -- NASA officials say they
found possible evidence of life on Mars. No, that sounds like a Michael Jackson
joke too.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 18, 2005:
As you may know, I've been
called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Why do people applaud that?
See so many celebrities wind up in court now, people think it's like an awards
show. "Oh you got picked for that trial. Not doing that crappy Phil Spector
trial..."
As I'm sure you know, Michael Jackson left the hospital the other
night and he's doing great. He said he feels like a kid again.
Although
Michael has gone home for the hospital. His doctors say he will "remain under
observation". Remain under observation? If he were under observation to begin
with, none of this would've happened! We took our eye off the ball.
Heard on Letterman, February 18, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is
going on. I think this guy is a little peculiar. They are now having trouble
finding jurors for the trial. Jurors are getting out of the trial by claiming
"hardship"... wait that's last nights audience.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 21, 2005:
As you know, Michael Jackson
is out of the hospital. Doctors say within a couple of days he should be
completely back to abnormal.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 22, 2005:
Did you see Michael Jackson
arrive in court today in an SUV with the windows rolled down and his head
sticking out in the rain -- and that's normal behavior for a guy who just got
out of the hospital with the "flu".
Heard on Jay Leno, February 23, 2005:
It's official -- the jury has
been chosen in the Michael Jackson case. It's two-thirds female. Just like
Michael. So it'll be a jury of his peers.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 24, 2005:
Michael Jackson's fate is now
in the hands of four men and eight women. As opposed to his usual crowd, 11 boys
and one chimp.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 24, 2005:
The Michael Jackson
trial has started. When Michael first got to court after being released from the
hospital, hundreds of fans turned out to support him. But just last night only a
dozen fans were there when he left the courthouse. Michael blamed the turnout on
the rainy weather and being a school night.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 25, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson case,
it looks like we now have a jury. They are eight white people, three Hispanics,
and one Asian guy. Boy, that sounds like the worst basketball team in history,
doesn't it?
Heard on Letterman, March 1, 2005:
Are you folks following the
Michael Jackson trial? There was an embarrassing moment today when the judge
banged his gavel to get everyone to quiet down. He slammed it down so hard that
Michael's nose fell off.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 2, 2005:
Opening arguments have begun in
the Michael Jackson trial. The prosecution for some reason ripped into Jude Law.
Why is everybody picking on him?
Michael Jackson claims that his partner
would sleep in the bed while he slept on the floor. Same arrangement the
Clintons have.
As you may have heard, I've been named as a possible witness
in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually, I'm not going to speak at the trial.
What I'm going to do is tell my story with some anatomically correct dolls.
That'll make it easier for me.
Have you seen the celebrity list? It looks
like a bad "Cannonball Run" movie.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, March 2, 2005:
Here's the latest in the
Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday at one point Michael Jackson started crying.
It's amazing what a passing school bus will do.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 2, 2005:
Well, let's see what's happening
in the news that I'm allowed to talk about.
Do you know about this gag order?
I'm a potential witness in the Michael Jackson trial. As you know, there's a gag
order for everyone involved in the Michael Jackson trial. In fact, I believe I'm
the first person over the age of two that has been gagged by Michael
Jackson.
So tonight folks it will be all Tito Jackson jokes.
As you know -
the Michael Jackson trial is going on up there and yesterday and one of the
witnesses was a public relations specialist who was hired by Michael Jackson to
counter all the negative publicity. Well that worked out well, huh? That's a job
well done.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 7, 2005:
You know what's fascinating --
you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail?
Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it's like for a white woman in
prison.
As you know, I have to stop right there. As you know, I have been
subpoenaed. I am under a gag order. I cannot do any Michael Jackson jokes, but
because of the gag order, we're bringing in a guest comedian to tell some
Michael Jackson jokes. He's the star of his own show on CNBC, five-time Emmy
Award winner, good friend, one of the funniest comedians around -- Mr. Dennis
Miller, ladies and gentlemen!
(Dennis Miller) Big day in the trial today,
folks. I see where Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have officially crossed
lines on the pigmentation flow chart.
Some interesting facts coming out about
Neverland. It seems Michael Jackson has the only playroom in the Western world
with a wine steward.
What do you serve with Macaulay Culkin? Red?
White?
So, let me get this straight. Jackson gets the kids over at the
Neverland Ranch ... and by the way, if you like the Neverland ranch, try the
vinaigrette. But anyway ...
He gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and
porn. You know, you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guy's the
really cool uncle I always wanted.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 8, 2005:
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno
in the Michael Jackson trial the following Michael Jackson jokes were done by
Roseanne Barr.) The other day at the Michael Jackson trial they showed a video
of Michael Jackson's house. And both of Michael's ex-wives showed up because
they said that they always wanted to see what the bedroom looked
like.
Defense lawyers say they might have Michael testify. They don't really
want him to, but doctors believe it's the only way they can get his nose to grow
back.
You know I kid Michael, but it is really just great to tell jokes about
someone who's had more plastic surgery than me.
Heard on Letterman, March 8, 2005:
Michael Jackson has been accused
of releasing grand jury testimony in his case. I'd hate to see Michael get into
any legal problems.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 9, 2005:
Well, there are reports that
Michael Jackson may be trying to sell the Neverland Ranch. He's having financial
problems. That's what they said in the paper today. He might be putting it on
the market, and Michael's neighbors are up in arms. They're afraid some weirdo
might move in.
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson
trial, the following Michael Jackson jokes were read by Carrot Top.)
You know
when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand is on the
little hand.
Today Michael Jackson told the jury that he actually likes
38-year-olds. What he meant was 30 8-year-olds ...
Heard on Jay Leno, March 10, 2005:
(Michael Jackson jokes done by
Drew Carey due to gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial.)
Nice
to be here. Thank you very much. Michael Jackson showed up to court late today
wearing his pajama bottoms. You know what? If we find the kid wearing the pajama
top, we have another court case on our hands.
Michael arrived at court
looking stiff and awkward and had difficulty moving. Hey, maybe he really is
white.
The official word from the Michael Jackson camp is he has a hurt back.
Hey kids are heavier now!
What does Michael Jackson call a school bus? Meals
on wheels.
Do you know where Michael's two favorite places to go on vacation
are? Youngstown and Boise!
What does Michael Jackson never say after having
sex? "Why don't you grow up?"
The observers say Michael rarely looked at the
boy on the stand. Of course he didn't. The kid is 15 now.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 11, 2005:
Hey, before we get started, has
anybody seen my pajama bottoms?
The gag order has been lifted. I can finally
say what I have not been allowed to say all this time: Michael Jackson is my
father.
Yesterday, Michael Jackson showed up at the courthouse late. Or, as
he likes to call it, "a little behind."
When Michael actually did arrive, he
was looking disheveled, wearing pajama bottoms and walking stiffly. Which is
usually how most boys leave the Neverland Ranch.
In fact, the worse part was
when the kid saw the pajamas and said, "Hey those are mine."
You know what I
think happened -- I think Michael got confused. I think he saw all those boys on
the witness stand and thought there was going to be a sleep-over.
In the
Michael Jackson trial, the jury wasn't in court. They were given three days off
to let their skin stop crawling.
A lot of people thought Michael was faking
it yesterday, but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that
flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation.
A
lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last
night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables.
The boy
testified that Michael Jackson was walking around naked and aroused. Boy, all of
a sudden Janet Jackson's Super Bowl thing doesn't seem so bad, huh?
You know
who I feel sorry for in all this? Robert Blake. Today he stuck his head inside
the jury room to see how it was going, and they were all watching the Michael
Jackson trial.
See, here's my feelings on this whole thing -- if Michael
Jackson wants to have sex with kids, he should do what other people do and
become a teacher.
Why does Michael stay at the Ramada Inn? Kids stay
free.
Why does Michael Jackson like blackjack? He gets to double down on 10
or 11.
What did Michael Jackson tell the priest? "Hey, I saw him
first."
Michael Jackson is so broke, he's only hitting on kids with trust
funds. That's how bad it is now.
Michael is so broke, today he was pouring
red wine in cans of RC Cola.
Michael Jackson is broke. Funny, now he can
actually only afford one glove.
Michael Jackson is so broke, now when he
dangles a kid over a balcony it's to shake spare change out of their
pockets.
Michael Jackson so broke, he's now considered poor white trash.
Progressive Pictures on Conan O'Brien, March 13, 2005 (rerun):
Jose
Canseco, Mark McGuire, the singer known as Michael Jackson...
People more
likely not to reach third base legitimately.
From N. O. Ledú, March 15, 2005:
Michael Jackson's lawyer expected a
better reaction from Michael when he told him the good news: It looks like we
are going to have a hung jury.
Why was Michael nonplussed at the
news?
Apparently, he was hoping for a well-hung jury.
Heard on Letterman, March 14, 2005:
Are you following the Michael
Jackson trial? Last week he shows up to trial in his pajamas. You know... I'm
starting to think he's a little crazy and weird.
Heard on Ferguson, March 15, 2005:
St. Patrick's Day is right
around the corner. You can tell because today Michael Jackson was seen dangling
a leprechaun.
Toys "R" Us is about to go bankrupt. See what happens when
Michael Jackson stops dating?
I have a question about Michael Jackson: If
Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson were driving and collided on the 401 freeway,
would it be considered a freak accident?
Heard on Letterman, March 16, 2005:
Today in California, Michael
Jackson paid off a leprechaun.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 21, 2005:
Michael Jackson, late for court
again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too
if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask,
"What's your name?"
Heard on Jay Leno, March 22, 2005:
Michael Jackson had a big St.
Patrick's Day party at the Neverland Ranch last week. In fact, when the cops
showed up, Michael told the kids, "Just tell 'em you're leprechauns."
You
know how they pronounce Michael's name in Ireland? "Pete O'Phile."
Heard on Letterman, March 22, 2005:
Insiders now claim that Michael
Jackson is zonked on medication, cut off from reality and headed for a nervous
breakdown... No, wait a minute... that's me.
Heard on Conan, March 22, 2005:
If it's possible, you always think
with the Michael Jackson trial it couldn't get stranger, then you tune in the
next day and it's absolute madness.
Yesterday, Michael showed up late again,
and then he broke down crying at one point. In fact, people close to Michael say
he hasn't been this upset since they canceled "The Wonder Years."
Heard on Kimmel, March 22, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial
continued today. Michael either showed up on time for court today, or showed up
really, really late for court yesterday, I'm not sure...
He's been
complaining about a bad back. His doctor says it's a combination of stress from
the trial, and sleeping in a four-foot long racecar bed.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 23, 2005:
As you know, Michael Jackson
late again to court, twice this week ... have you seen him? Two people helping
him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's
walking stiffly ... I think he's going through menopause.
Yesterday, Michael
brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing
doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make
the young boys' pants disappear.
According to the news, Michael Jackson is
broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you
see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking
for lunch money.
Heard on Kimmel, March 23, 2005:
Today was a very good day for
Michael Jackson ... well, I guess as good as it can get when you're on trial for
child molestation. For the second straight day, Michael was 20 minutes early to
court. What he's done -- and this is very clever --- he's started TiVo'ing
"Teletubbies."
There's a story going around that when Michael gets off
scot-free, which will happen, he's going to sign a deal to be the house
performer at the new Trump casino that they're building in Las Vegas. I guess
things went well with Celine Dion at Caesar's Palace, and they figured why not
sign up another superstar white woman to perform.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 24, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson trial,
one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the
hospital yesterday on a stretcher, did you see that? It happened right after
Michael told him he was really broke and couldn't pay him.
Heard on Conan, March 24, 2005:
Yesterday at the Michael Jackson
trial, jurors were shown a pornographic magazine taken from the Neverland Ranch
called Over 50. When asked why he bought the magazine Over 50, Michael said, "I
thought they meant months."
Heard on Ferguson, March 28, 2005:
It's a bad day today in
California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael
what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
Heard on Kimmel, March 28, 2005:
Jurors in the Michael Jackson
trial got to look at his adult videos and magazines. It's even worse than your
mom finding them, having a jury go through them. Some of the things he had -- he
had Penthouse magazine, he had Barely Legal, he had something called "Photos of
Sydney Men," and this shocking video, "Girls Gone."
Heard on Jay Leno, March 29, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial
started 45 minutes late again yesterday after Michael showed up and started
crying... Yeah, he's crying because he doesn't have the Robert Blake
jury.
This has been a very stressful week for Michael Jackson. You know how
he deals with stress? You what he likes to do when he's in court? He likes to
picture his accuser in his underwear.
Michael says he prays every day over
the phone with the Reverend Jesse Jackson. And today Jesse said: "That was
Michael? I thought I was hitting on Janet."
Heard on Miller, March 29, 2005:
In an interview on Sunday, Michael
Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the
world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the
conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like
their kids being molested... Jackson went on to say his persecution was
identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali...
Except, of course, for the black part.
Heard on Ferguson, March 29, 2005:
The judge in the Michael Jackson
trial ruled to allow testimony from past accusers. So you thought the lines were
long at Disneyland... now you're gonna see something.
Michael Jackson claims
he's the victim of a conspiracy by a group that's trying to make him out to be a
weirdo. I believe that group is called "the public."
Heard on Conan, March 30, 2005:
It's was a bad day for Michael
Jackson, because new tapes have emerged where Jackson says he didn't lose his
virginity until he was age 32. On the bright side, Jackson's been named an
honorary Trekkie.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 31, 2005:
Lisa Marie Presley will kick off
her spring tour April 26, in support of her new album. Her album is called, "Now
What?" which is the same thing Michael said to her on their wedding night.
Heard on Miller, March 31, 2005:
A flight attendant that flew with
Michael Jackson and his accuser from Miami to Santa Barbara testified Wednesday
that she served Jackson wine in a Diet Coke can. You know, I guess when your
nose is down to a piece of bathtub stopper, you don't really need glassware to
release the bouquet anymore.
Heard on Kimmel, March 31, 2005:
Not a good week for Michael
Jackson, the low light being when he showed up to court an hour and forty
minutes late. No one knew where he was. Michael claims he was hospitalized with
back problems. He's had a bad back, I guess, ever since he tried to give both
Macaulay Culkin and Immanuel Lewis a piggyback ride at the same time.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 1, 2005:
Did you see Lisa Marie on
"Oprah," talking about her marriage to Michael? She said she first got
suspicious something was wrong on their honeymoon, when Michael carried the
bellboy over the threshold.
I'm sure you've heard this. Michael Jackson was
caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is
that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35.
"Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral --
both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said,
'How do you get stains off a glove?'" -- Bill Maher
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty
white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." --
Jay Leno
"The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250
candidates for the jury pool, which Jackson himself has selected 20 for the
kiddie pool." -- Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer
home to him. He said he can't go back there. Which of course is really bad news
for the kids locked in the crawlspace." -- Jay Leno
Heard on Ferguson, April 5, 2005:
Have you been watching the
Michael Jackson trial? I've decided I'm not going to do any more Michael Jackson
gags. It's just a late-night thing, I'm not going to do it. It's because (a)
they're not very good, and (b) they're starting to creep me out. All this new
evidence and stuff, it looks like he's going to jail. He's going down! ...
That's a bad choice of words ...
I'm doing no more Michael Jackson jokes. But
... the judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations
against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the
news, some color actually drained into his face.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 6, 2005:
There was no testimony in the
Michael Jackson trial today. Apparently, all the witnesses had a big spelling
test. More bad new for Michael Jackson. It now looks as though is inner child
will testify against him.
Heard on Kimmel, April 6, 2005:
Michael Jackson -- singer, I don't
know if you've heard of him... He got a break from his trial today, and he
needed it because, I mean, the Ferris Wheel hadn't been oiled, the giraffes
hadn't been milked... I mean, the Neverland Ranch is a mess.
Michael Jackson
actually went to a funeral today. It's kind of weird, because on one hand, you
have the pope lying in state, and on the other you have Johnnie Cochran. I think
that's what they mean by the yin and the yang. Thousands of people showed up for
his funeral today to pay their respects. In particular, I think Johnnie's family
will miss him, as well as his colleagues, his former clients, and really, anyone
else whoever killed his wife.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 7, 2005:
You know what's the difference
between the Lakers and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson actually gets excited
about heading to the showers.
Not looking good for Michael. His accountants
announced today he is finished doing his taxes. He's declared three children as
defendants, and 47 accusers...
Heard on Ferguson, April 7, 2005:
A judge today ordered a man to
stay 100 feet away from Janet Jackson. Now here's the test to see if you're too
close -- if you can see her nipple without squinting.
Michael Jackson, the
other Jackson, was late to court due to illness. The good news is, he's got a
clean bill of health from the ear, nose, nose, nose, no nose, and throat
doctor.
Heard on Kimmel, April 7, 2005:
A lot going on in the Michael
Jackson trial. Yesterday, they had a fingerprint expert to analyze prints they
found on a Penthouse Magazine the police seized from the Neverland Ranch.
Apparently, the prints are from Michael, Michael's accuser, the accuser's
brother, and a giraffe, which was weird...
They say Michael's prints were
very prominent because his fingers were covered with a film of Tootsie Pops and
Lunchables.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 8, 2005:
Here's the latest in the Michael
Jackson trial, if you've been following this thing. A former security guard said
he saw Michael performing sex acts. It's pretty amazing when you consider his
first two wives never even saw that.
As you know, one boy (in the trial)
mentioned a "tickling game" that got out of hand. Which is, coincidentally, how
I got this job.
Heard on Miller, April 8, 2005:
Approximately 5,000 people attended
the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael
Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at
the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of
white Ford Broncos.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 11, 2005:
The district attorney will claim
that Michael Jackson molested actor Macauley Culkin. You know what that means.
Michael was cheating on Webster.
Heard on Miller, April 12, 2005:
Jackson's former chef testified
Friday that he saw the pop star reach up Macauley Culkin's shorts as he was
delivering French fries to Jackson one night. Of course, at the Neverland Ranch,
that's called a Happy Meal.
Heard on Ferguson, April 12, 2005:
It's a bad day today in
California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael
what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting Enough Sleep on Letterman, April 14,
2005:
1. You're beginning to think Michael Jackson might be
innocent.
2. Duties as President limit you to a mere 11 hours a night.
3.
You take naps at work -- only problem, you sleep in the nude.
4. (Writers too
tired to write number four)
5. You schedule unnecessary surgery just for the
three hours of general anesthetic.
6. Your typical lunch: coffee grounds on
whole wheat.
7. When asked to describe yourself, most people say "Lethargic
Sumbitch".
8. You're so fatigued, you get winded chewing gum.
9. Can't
even stay awake for the two minutes it takes to have sex.
10. You always fall
asleep on airplanes -- and you're the pilot.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 22, 2005:
Tonight our guests are country
star Alan Jackson and "American Idol" judge Randy Jackson. We have every musical
Jackson not currently on trial.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2005:
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie
Rowe is testifying against Michael. I just hope this doesn't turn Michael off of
women forever.
Do you realize she's the first person to testify that Michael
hasn't seen naked?
There was one embarrassing moment while she was testifying
when she was asked to point out the man she was married to for three years. She
pointed to Latoya.
Heard on Conan, April 28, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is the
big news right now. Today two of Michael's lawyers got into a shouting match in
the parking lot. The lawyers got so childish that Michael started hitting on
them.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2005:
Have you been following the
Jackson trial? What was supposed to be the Prosecution's star witness, Jackson's
ex-wife Debbie Rowe praised Michael Jackson yesterday. Jackson was so happy that
after court he told Debbie "If you were a 12 year old boy I could kiss
you."
It's not looking good for the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case.
In fact, Michael is already planning a big party at Neverland for the night he's
acquitted. If you go, remember it's "BYOB": Bring Your Own Boy.
Heard on Miller, May 3, 2005:
I'd like to take a quick moment to
personally thank Jennifer Wilbanks for being such a conniving, narcissistic,
self-important human being. If she hadn't pulled her little runaway bride stunt
triggering a massive cross-country manhunt, I'd be standing here telling a bunch
of Michael Jackson jokes. Instead, I have Fresh Meat. So, from the bottom of my
heart, thank you again for being such a self-indulgent, deer-in-the-headlights,
commitment-phobic be-yotch.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 11, 2005:
Michael Jackson's defense lawyers
plan to put three more men on the stand who say that as boys they slept in the
same bed as Michael and nothing happened. The boys names are Tito, Jermaine and
Jackie.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 16, 2005:
Today is Janet Jackson's 39th
birthday. She's starting to get up there in years. Soon she'll have to open her
pants for a breast to pop out.
Heard on Conan, May 16, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is about to
begin. Reporters are saying that Michael is a lot like Martha Stewart and if
he's acquitted he'll come back bigger than ever. The main reason they're alike
though is that they're both successful white women.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 17, 2005:
Michael Jackson joke of the night:
As you may have heard, next Tuesday I am being called to testify in the Michael
Jackson trial. I have to go up there. Despite what happens, I just hope that
Michael and I can continue to be friends and ride Harleys together on the
weekends.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 19, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson trial - a
former Jackson security guard testified that the accuser and his brother would
get drunk in the wine cellar when Michael wasn't around. But in their defense if
you knew you had to sleep in Jackson's bed later that night you'd have to get
drunk first too.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 23, 2005:
By now I'm sure you've all seen
that photograph of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. Here's the really creepy
part - it was taken at Michael Jackson's house.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 24, 2005:
(On testifying in the Michael
Jackson trial) You know the worst part about testifying? I had to follow the
chimp. Uh, you should have seen that witness chair, it was
disgusting.
Actually there was one king of embarrassing moment when they
asked me to point out the defendant and I pointed to Latoya.
And now there's
talk of Michael Jackson leaving the country as soon as the trial is over. One
report says he wants to go to Africa and "disappear". Maybe he'd have a better
chance doing that somewhere else. Like Sweden.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 25, 2005:
Everyone's talking about all these
"Star Wars" fans dressed in strange costumes. They look like aliens and weird
creatures from outer space. No, I'm sorry. That was outside the Jackson trial
yesterday. I was in Santa Maria yesterday. I got confused.
Actually,
yesterday I ran into Jackson in the lobby before going in to the courtroom. And
ironically he was on his way to the little boys room.
You know the strangest
thing about testifying yesterday? After the trial O.J. Simpson picked me up in
his ford bronco and took me to Robert Blake's house for an Italian dinner.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 26, 2005:
As you may know, I testified in
the Michael Jackson trial this week. You know, I was sitting on the witness
stand, Michael wouldn't even look at me. Then I realized, of course I'm over 12.
Nothing personal...
Heard on Jay Leno, May 26, 2005:
Today in a surprising twist
prosecutors charged Michael Jackson with fondling Mary Lay Letourneau's new
husband.
Now it's all up to the jury. Michael Jackson is in the hands of the
jury. Which is kind of ironic, this is first time they've ever been in the hands
of adults.
Actually there's a lot of talk that if Michael is acquitted, he
will be leaving the country. Or as he calls it, he's being transferred to
another parish.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 30, 2005 (rerun):
Michael Jackson is broke.
According to ABC he is broke and can't make the payroll for the employees at the
Neverland Ranch. It's so bad that tonight the kids at the dinner table said,
"Llama again?"
Heard on Jay Leno, June 1, 2005 (rerun):
There are so many scandals
now they're all starting to run together. Last night I fell asleep watching the
news and I had a nightmare where I dreamed a Georgia bride ran away to the
Neverland Ranch so she could secretly meet Paula Abdul and have a three way with
Pat O'Brien.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 2, 2005:
If Michael Jackson is acquitted
he's going to throw a big party at the Neverland Ranch. The party will be
B.Y.O.B. -- bring your own boy.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 7, 2005:
Here's something interesting -
Michael Jackson's father said if Michael is found guilty, Tito will do the
time.
Heard on Conan, June 7, 2005:
According to Michael Jackson's
father, Joe, if Michael is found guilty he will take care of Michael's kids. Joe
Jackson went on to say, "I might be old, but I can still dangle kids from a
balcony."
Heard on Conan, June 8, 2005:
If Michael Jackson is convicted he
could end up in the same prison as Charles Manson. Charles Manson heard this and
said, "I hope not, that guy is nuts."
Heard on Jay Leno, June 9, 2005:
The Jackson jury only deliberated
for a half day today and left without reaching a decision. The jurors said they
didn't want to leave early but, a couple of them had publicity shoots for their
book deals.
Former child star, "Home Alone" star, Macaulay Culkin pleaded
guilty yesterday to drug charges. Which is kind of ironic, if he went to prison,
he could wind in bed again with Michael Jackson.
Jesse Jackson has been
Michael's spiritual advisor through the trial. Michael Jackson has had spiritual
advisors throughout his career. But none of them have really worked out. You
know what they need out at that Neverland Ranch? Catholic nuns with rulers...
"Keep you hands off that boy."
Heard on Jay Leno, June 10, 2005:
Still no verdict in the Michael
Jackson trial. They say because of cash-flow problems at the Neverland Ranch,
feeding time has been reduced from twice a day to just once per day. And that's
just for Michael's brothers.
Supposedly, Michael is 270 million dollars in
debt. In fact, the last time Michael Jackson was in the black was, well... when
he was black.
Q: How do we know that it turns Micheal Jackson on to go to court?
A:
Because he came in his pajamas!
Micheal Jackson was found innocent today.
He is free to spend another 20
years in a juvenile detention center.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 13, 2005:
Kinda slow news day. Did anything
happen today? Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad
news - he's going to Disneyland!
I tell you Michael Jackson was so happy with
the verdict, when he got back to the Neverland Ranch, he gave all the cleaning
monkeys the rest of the day off.
Well it's over. Thank god. Now Michael can
go back to just being a regular guy. Watch the game, have a brewskie.
Heard on Letterman, June 13, 2005:
The verdict is in and Michael
Jackson is not guilty on all charges. However, his plastic surgeon was found
guilty on all counts.
This just in... Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to
Santa Maria, California.
After the trial the press was talking to the jurors
and one of the jurors said that Michael's innocence was as plain as the nose on
his face.
Michael had lots of supporters. In fact even if convicted his chimp
said that he would wait for Michael.
We knew the jury was close to a verdict
today because earlier they asked the judge to see O.J.'s glove.
Michael said
he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of twelve
dumbasses.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 14, 2005:
I'm sorry if I'm a little groggy
today. I was up all night at the big sleepover victory party at Michael
Jackson's place. Just Jesus juice all night long!
As you know Michael Jackson
was found not guilty on all counts yesterday. In fact, the first thing Michael
did after being found not guilty was throw away that back brace he's been
wearing. Don't need that thing anymore!
Of course a lot of people were
incredibly happy about the verdict. None of them children...
Legal experts
say the key was that the defense really didn't play the race card. Well duh.
They didn't know which race to play.
This trial lasted 14 weeks. Do you
realize that's 6 weeks longer than average NBC sitcom.
After the trial last
night, Michael finally got a chance to relax. He went out and had a little
Mexican. I believe it was a 14-year-old named Ramón.
Today on the news they
showed up in Santa Maria, all the media packing up and getting ready to go home.
Yeah, it's always a sad day when the circus leaves town.
Heard on Letterman, June 14, 2005:
It was so hot that Michael
Jackson went out for ice cream by himself!
As you know Michael Jackson was
found not guilty on all ten counts. Now he says he wants to just go back to his
normal reclusive whack job self.
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict
1.
Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment!
2. Wait, have
Tito, Latoya and Jermaine always been on the jury?
3. Michael, good news - I
just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
4. We the
jury find the defendant...creepy.
5. Do you think this'll be on the news
tonight?
6. I'm a celebrity in an L.A. courtroom - I like my chances.
7.
No, I think he'll do fine in prison.
8. Will Mr. Blake and Mr. Simpson please
keep the laughter down?
9. Of course he's nervous - look how pale he
is.
10. We the jury find the defendant not guilty - oh God, did I say the
wrong one?
Heard on Jay Leno, June 15, 2005:
Well the big story, the Los
Angeles Police Department announced they will no longer arrest famous people who
break the law. What's the point?
I bet Russell Crowe wishes he threw that
phone at somebody in Los Angeles, huh?
Pretty amazing - the jury found
Michael Jackson innocent. Robert Blake innocent. O.J. Simpson innocent. Now the
big question, is Phil Spector famous enough to that same get out of jail free
card. Hasn't had a hit for a while.
Today Michael Jackson thanked all those
close to him that made it all happen. You know, the little people.
It's kind
of ironic when you think about it. The only Jackson you can accuse of committing
a lewd act is Janet at the Super Bowl. The one we wanted to see.
Heard on Letterman, June 15, 2005:
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor
is Batman
1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick.
(Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson.)
2. When he
goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat pole.
3.
On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O mold.
4. You hear him
on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry seersucker cowls.
5. Introduces his
parents - Carl and Linda Batman.
6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an
angry, knocked-up Catwoman.
7. He's re-roofing his house to fix loose
shingles and grappling hook damage.
8. His teen son drove to the prom in the
Batmobile.
9. When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and mutters,
"pantywaist".
10. Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash".
Q: What's the most surprising thing about Michael Jackson's not guilty
verdict?
A: That 12 adults got him off!!
Heard on Jay Leno, June 17, 2005:
Have you heard this rumor that
Michael Jackson might be performing in Las Vegas, although his career isn't what
it used to be. I understand he's going to play Diana Ross in the legends
show.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 20, 2005:
Another earthquake -- this is
getting crazy! That's like four in a week. You think this is gods way of saying
he doesn't believe the Michael Jackson jury either.
This is interesting -
sources close to Michael say that he is planning on leaving the country and
living in either South Africa or Switzerland. South Africa or Switzerland -- why
is everything either black or white with this guy?
Heard on Conan:
Michael Jackson is leaving the country. He is
either going to South Africa or Switzerland. Seems he is a little confused. His
ancestors come from South Africa but he looks like he's from Switzerland.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 21, 2005:
Here's some great news: an
11-year-old boy scout who disappeared in the mountains of Utah late last week
has been found perfectly healthy. It turns out, when he heard about the
acquittal; he was just hiding from Michael Jackson.
Michael's new home song (in tune of spongebob) by Fred, Jun 29,
2005
Are ya ready for me kids?
Aye, Aye Jackson!
I can't heeeaaar
yooouuu!
AYE, AYE JACKSON!
sha-moooooooooooole!!!.........
Who lives in
a pineapple in Tennessee?
Michael Jackson!
With teeth that are yellow and
white is he.
Michael Jackson!!
Nautical nonsense be somethin' of a
cult.
Michael Jackson!!
Then hit the deck and be an adult
Michael
Jackson!!
Ready?
Michael Jackson!
Michael Jackson!
Michael Jackson!
,
Michaaaaael! Pull ya Paaants!
eehee, eehee, eehee, eehee, eehee,
sharrmole! sh..arrmole.
From Heather, July 6, 2005
Mom: So did you hear Michael Jackson was
found innocent?
Son: Yeah, it's the first time he's gotten off in front of
adults!
Heard on Conan, July 15, 2005 (rerun):
Michael Jackson gave every
juror a Tiffany keychain with the inscription "I will love you forever". Then on
the back, it says "see you next trial".
Heard on Leno, July 18, 2005:
Thank you for coming out on the
hottest day of the year so far. It was 107 today. People are sweating like
Michael Jackson looking at pictures of Harry Potter.
Heard on Leno, July 20, 2005:
Thank you once again for coming out
on another hot day. It was so hot Michael Jackson walked up to a boy selling
lemonade and just got the lemonade.
Heard on Leno, July 21, 2005:
Michael Jackson says he wants to move
to Berlin. As soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall
back up.
Heard on Leno, July 25, 2005:
Michael Jackson's adult magazine
collection has been ordered to be returned to him. Michael wasn't able to be
reached for comment. He will be in the bathroom until Thursday.
Heard on Leno, August 9, 2005:
Two jurors in the Michael Jackson
case now say they've changed their minds; they now say Michael is guilty. I
believe the legal term for this is "book deal".
Here's my favorite story -
two of the Michael Jackson jurors were on MSNBC tonight to say they regretted
acquitting Michael and they know think he's really guilty. It's kind of sad, in
California; it's always the jury who's the last to know.
Can we at least get
these two morons to give us back the $10 a day we paid them to be on jury
duty?
There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily
it turned out not to be true. I'm glad she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the
new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction.
Heard on Letterman, August 9, 2005:
Have you heard this? Two of the
Michael Jackson jurors now believe he's guilty. Gee... if only they could have
done something about it.
Heard on Conan, August 19, 2005:
Michael Jackson is in Bahrain with
his 20 year old protégé. Actually his protégé is two ten year olds.
Heard on Conan, September 6, 2005 (rerun):
Ever since the verdict
in the Michael Jackson trial has been released, the sales of Michael's albums
have gone up.
In a related story Michael Bolton has announced that he sleeps
with young boys.
Heard on Leno, September 6, 2005:
Chicken experts at the University
of Georgia, which sounds like a joke itself, have discovered how to transform
dark meat into white meat. Well nice to see Michael Jackson's doctor working
again.
Heard on Letterman, September 6, 2005:
Michael Jackson is going to
get a complete makeover. He wants to look more macho and less creepy. Another
job too big for FEMA.
Michael Jackson is trying to change his image to become
more macho.
Michael is serious about this makeover. For example, today he
renamed the Neverland Ranch to The Ponderosa.
He wants to look more macho.
He's now lifting weights, wearing shorter wigs and using less make-up. Hey -- it
worked for Janet Reno!
Heard on Leno, September 16, 2005:
There was one kind of
embarrassing moment (in Bush's speech) when they pointed the giant statue in the
square and told President Bush it was Andrew Jackson and Bush said, "Now was he
the oldest or was it Tito?"
Heard on Conan, October 1, 2005:
Michael Jackson is back in the
news...
Fox News reported that Michael Jackson asked Stevie Wonder to appear
on his new album, but Stevie turned him down.
When asked why, Stevie replied
"I'm blind, but I'm not crazy."
Heard on Conan, October 5, 2005:
Michael Jackson is in the news
again...
Michael Jackson is suing a German contractor for breach of
contract.
Michael said that when he asked for payment in Marks for the
contract, he wanted boys named Mark.
Celebrity Interviews: Who is the Scariest Man on Conan, October 5,
2005:
Stephen King said "the man who wrote The Omen".
Michael Jackson said
"the white man I see when I look into the mirror".
Heard on Leno, October 5, 2005: (rerun)
Macaulay Culkin was on the
stand today.
He testified that he and Michael Jackson were playmates back
when he was 10 and Michael Jackson was 35.
It came out today that Michael
claimed that his chimpanzees and monkeys did light housework.
Since when are
apes experts in cleanliness?
They didn't start the housework until Michael
found out that they were no good in bed.
Heard on Leno, October 6, 2005:
Emergency workers in L.A. today
pulled an 8-year-old boy out of a 30-foot-hole he'd fallen into. They pulled him
out using ropes and pulleys. Michael Jackson immediately bought the property,
calling it a "potential gold mine".
Heard on Leno, November 4, 2005:
Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch
is for sale. No one has bought it yet, but I understand they have a firm offer
from the Boston archdioceses.
Blasphemy In A Bottle, November 7, 2005:
In a full-bodied blend of
blasphemy and ingenuity, a Los Angeles couple is seeking to market a wine called
"Jesus Juice" that bears a label showing a Michael Jackson-like figure appearing
to be crucified.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1107051jesusjuice1.html
Heard on Leno, November 10, 2005:
Michael Jackson's father says
that Michael probably won't ever come back to live in the United States again.
So kids, it's safe, you can come out now.
Heard on Leno, November 17, 2005:
Michael Jackson is moving to the
Persian Gulf. This week he was over there and caused a riot when he went into
the wrong restroom. In Michael's defense I'm not sure if there is a right
restroom.
Heard on Leno, December 1, 2005:
More problems for Michael. It now
seems that his ex-wife Debbie Rowe is now saying Michael is not the biological
father of her children. Debbie Rowe is speaking out against Michael. Know what
that means. Apparently the check bounced.
Heard on Conan, December 28, 2005:
It's being reported that Michael
Jackson is going to leave the country and move to the Middle East. Finally we
have found a way to strike back at al Qaeda!
Heard on Conan, January 19, 2006:
According to the "National
Enquirer", Michael Jackson plans to convert to Islam and will even take an
Islamic name -- "Malcolm in The Middle X".
http://www.able2know.com/forums/about64232.html
http://funreports.com/fun/12-12-2005/1309-michael_jackson-0
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3174956,00.html
http://www.adherents.com/largecom/famconv_islam.html
http://www.adherents.com/people/pj/Michael_Jackson.html
Heard on Letterman, February 7, 2006:
The Vatican has hired Michael
Jackson to write prayer music. Because when your church has an image problem --
you call Michael Jackson!
In fact he's already been named an honorary
priest.
Heard on Leno, February 8, 2006:
Tonight was the 48th annual Grammy
Awards. It was also the 96th birthday party for the boy scouts. Gee, I wonder
which one Michael Jackson went to?
Heard on Conan, February 9, 2006:
Michael Jackson is back in the
news. Apparently Michael is so broke he now has to fly commercial, no longer
flies on private planes. This finally answers the question -- what's worse than
being seated next to some fat guy?
Heard on Leno, February 21, 2006:
The word from Fox News is that
Prince Abdullah of Bahrain has thrown Michael Jackson out of his palace. Michael
Jackson is now homeless in Bahrain. That's pretty dangerous isn't it, for a
cartoon character to be walking around in a Muslim county. That's not good right
now.
Heard on Letterman, February 21, 2006:
An Arab country in charge of
ports. That's like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne
Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your
nanny.
Heard on Letterman, February 22, 2006:
The United Arab Emirates has
agreed to give our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back.
Heard on Leno, March 13, 2006:
Last week in L.A. authorities shut
down Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Hey guys, what's the hurry? You thought
FEMA was slow to respond to a crisis. More bad news. You know who bought it? The
Catholic Church.
Heard on Letterman, March 13, 2006:
The Neverland Ranch has been
closed in California. Good to see them nip that in the bud.
Heard on Conan, March 20, 2006:
Michael Jackson spoke about the
trial. He said that driving past Chucky Cheese without stopping was the hardest
thing he's every done.
Heard on Leno, April 18, 2006:
Michael has made a Jackson deal with
a New York investment group to re-finance $300 million dollars in loans. After
the deal was worked out they told Michael don't spend the money all on one kid,
ok?
Fake pictures of Michael Jackson in the May 2006 GQ magazine:
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,18966,00.html
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/breaking_news/14512349.htm
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/415284p-350965c.html
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=1929218
Heard on Leno, May 4, 2006:
Yesterday Michael Jackson came out in
support of boycotts. Well he came out in support of boys on cots.
Heard on Leno, June 7, 2006:
Do you know how Michael Jackson spent
6/6/06? With three six year olds.
Cocaine in Jacko's Pants, Sun Online, June 17, 2006:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005550473,00.html
Traces
of cocaine were found on Michael Jackson's underwear during a police raid, it
was revealed yesterday.
The discovery emerged as the troubled singer faced
shock new claims that he is abusing and trafficking drugs.
Cops are secretly
investigating allegations by former aides that Jacko, 47, is hooked on
anti-depressants and painkillers.
They say he pops up to 40 pills a day --
and was seen falling flat on his face after injecting himself with a mystery
drug.
He is suspected of transporting drugs from California to Bahrain, where
he currently lives, and obtaining them with fake prescriptions.
Michael Jackson Heads for Paris, Fox News, June 28, 2006:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,201294,00.html
Michael
Jackson is moving from Bahrain to "Europe", as his press release and publicity
advised yesterday.
But I am told that Jackson is likely going to settle in
Paris if he can find the money to buy a suitable home. He's already nixed moves
to London and to Germany, two places where he at least has constituencies. Paris
is the likely choice for Jackson.
"He wants to be in a place where people can
meet with him easily," says a source. "Bahrain was not that place."
Jackson
was recently photographed in Paris, being pushed through the Tuileries in a
wheelchair, wearing pajamas and sunglasses, shaded by an umbrella.
Yesterday
was a big day in Jacko World. He fired his Bahraini lawyers, Los Angeles
accountant Alan Whitman, recently hired manager Guy Holmes and severed ties with
the people who've generously paid his way for the last year.
Heard on Leno, June 30, 2006:
According to the "New York Post",
Michael Jackson announced that he may be moving to Paris. Well you thought the
French hated us before. They'll probably think he is one of those mimes.
The Baffling Case of Jacko, the Gay Porn King, and Bags of Cash, The
Independent, July 2, 2006:
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/article1153653.ece
While
Michael Jackson holes up in Bahrain, his legal problems are piling up in
California, where two lawsuits are casting new light on his bizarre lifestyle
and lavish spending habits, as well as further eroding his rapidly depleting
bank balance.
Testimony has now begun in a breach-of-contract trial in Santa
Monica which pits Jackson against Marc Schaffel, his former associate and
financial adviser. Mr. Schaffel, who produced gay porn videos before forming
business links with Jackson in 2001, claims the singer owes him $3 million in
expenses, salary and cash loans.
Another lawsuit, brought by Jackson's former
manager Dieter Wiesner, seeks Ł45m from the embattled former King of Pop and is
due to be heard later this year. Both of the lawsuits are backed up by tape
recordings of rambling and sometimes incoherent telephone conversations Jackson
had with the two men.
The trial is providing yet another look into the
strange and eccentric world of Michael Jackson, where money is delivered in
paper bags and price tags are never questioned. In pre-trial depositions, Mr.
Schaffel said the singer was constantly asking for money to support his
lifestyle. He said that when Jackson wanted large amounts of money he would
telephone and say "supersize them".
Jackson's domestic life has not been
going well either. He has lost his appeal against a ruling in February that gave
his ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, parental responsibilities for their two children,
Prince Michael, nine, and Paris, eight.
Jackson Checks In to Check Out Tax Breaks for Artists, The Sunday
Times - Ireland, July 2, 2006:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2091-2252647,00.html
Michael
Jackson's new management team is checking out the benefits of Ireland's tax
incentives for creative artists, writes Jan Battles.
The pop star, acquitted
of child molestation charges in California last year, has been in Ireland for
the past 10 days "on personal business". But a move could become permanent after
his advisers study the artists' exemption scheme introduced by Charles Haughey
in 1969.
Heard on Letterman, July 14, 2006:
Michael Jackson is going to move
to Ireland. He's already found a cottage in a small village known as Glenn
Creepy.
He's already being sued by a leprechaun.
Heard on Leno, July 17, 2006:
It was so hot in Encino that Michael
Jackson actually stopped at a young boy's lemonade stand and just bought some
lemonade.
Heard on Leno, July 18, 2006:
How creepy is this? A Dutch court has
given approval for a new political party whose main goal is to lower the age of
sexual consent from 16 to 12. Today Michael Jackson was seen shopping for wooden
shoes.
Heard on Letterman, August 28, 2006:
Here's some new from
California. A fire was started near Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. There was
some dry grass and they think someone started a fire. Now I think the blaze was
caused by some concerned parents.
They say that fire has them puzzled and is
of suspicious origin - but so is Michael Jackson.
Heard on Leno, September 18, 2006:
Are you all watching "Survivor:
Apartheid"? In this edition of "Survivor" the tribes have been broken up into
ethnic groups; whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics. The writers are
Jewish.
If Michael Jackson was a contestant on the show I wonder which tribe
he would be a part of?
The next season of "Survivor" will feature Christians
versus Muslims in "Survivor: Baghdad Island".
Favorite Humphrey Bogart Quote of Celebrities on Conan,
September 19, 2006:
Michael Jackson: Here's looking at you kid.
Michael Jackson's Comeback Scuttled, September 26, 2006:
http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/eo/20060926/115930698000.html
Two
Seas or not Two Seas? Michael Jackson has opted for the latter.
The
self-proclaimed King of Pop has split with the Bahrain-based record label just
five months after signing on, pushing his once thriving music career into an
ever deepening hibernation.
But we may not have heard the last of Jackson
just yet.
The Gloved One has already formed the Michael Jackson Company to
oversee his dwindling finances (memo to the bean counters: You can start by
removing the personal magician from the payroll).
After a sojourn in the
Middle East, Jackson is currently holed up in England. His little sister Janet
confirmed to Oprah Winfrey Monday that he and his children had no immediate
plans to return to the States.
Heard on Leno, September 26, 2006:
As you know Hugo Chavez insulted
President Bush last week at the U.N. This upset many Americans. It goes across
party lines. Democrat Representative Charlie Rangel said it's one thing for
Americans to criticize President Bush, but not okay for foreign leaders to do it
on American soil. Sort of like Catholics making fun of Catholics. Jews making
fun of Jews. Or Michael Jackson making fun of child molesters.
Heard on Leno, September 29, 2006:
Finally, Fox News is reporting
that Michael Jackson's custody battle with his ex-wife over the kids is going to
be settled. She'll get them on weekends. And in return, he'll be allowed to see
other children.
Heard on Leno, October 31, 2006:
Today is Halloween -- or as
American kids call it "Fat Tuesday!"
Michael Jackson calls trick-or-treating
"room service".
Dilbert's Weasel Awards Poll Results http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/shop/html/weasel_poll_results_2006.html
Weaseliest
Celebrity?
Tom Cruise 12520 votes
Michael Jackson 10263
votes
Mel Gibson 7819 votes
Paris Hilton 7558
votes
Charlie Sheen 1926 votes
Heard on Conan, November 16, 2006:
Last night at an awards show,
Michael Jackson made an appearance and he was introduced by Lindsay Lohan.
People in the audience kept asking, "Who are those two skinny white chicks?"
Heard on Conan, November 28, 2006:
Michael Jackson is planning to
follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and do charity work in
Africa. Jackson says he wants to get to Africa soon - before all the good kids
are taken.
Heard on Leno, December 8, 2006:
The House Ethics Committee has
found that Mark Foley didn't do anything illegal. They said it was willful
ignorance, but he broke no law. What law? The Cardinal Bernard Law?
Who was
the chair of this committee? Michael Jackson?
Heard on Leno, December 27, 2006 (rerun):
Michael Jackson is
planning a Christmas party for 1,000 of his fans for December 19th in Japan. A
Michael Jackson Christmas party. Two things you don't want there - mistletoe and
the Little Drummer Boy.
Recent jokes
Heard on Kimmel, January 26, 2007:
Michael Jackson's back home in
the USA. Parents are being warned to keep their children away from cotton candy
machines, bounce houses and the circus.
Heard on Leno, January 30, 2007:
Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine
says that he wants Michael to convert to Islam. Islam? How about converting to
the human race -- try that first.
Heard on Conan, January 30, 2007:
Michael Jackson in the news.
Jermaine Jackson said on Monday he wants his brother Michael to convert to
Islam. Michael said, "No thank you, I've already had 72 virgins."
Heard on Letterman, February 5, 2007:
Congratulations to the city
of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the
game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to
Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that
was the Bears' strategy.
Heard on Letterman, February 14, 2007:
Michael Jackson has
introduced his own line of Valentine's candy. It's tremendous. It's white
chocolate with a nut inside.
Heard on Conan, February 20, 2007:
Michael Jackson is reportedly
upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However,
Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that
Jason Kidd is actually a grown man.
Heard on Letterman, March 6, 2007 (rerun):
We are having a heat
wave. It is over 100 degrees. Michael Jackson went swimming in the adult
pool.
Heard on Letterman, March 14, 2007:
Michael Jackson is charging
$3,400 a person to shake hands with the guy. If you want to, for $3,400 you can
shake hands with Michael Jackson. Heck, if I want to spend a minute with a
creep, I'll take the subway.
Heard on Leno, May 24, 2007:
Some of Michael Jackson's personal
processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one
thing that Michael won't be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you
know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off
chance, that one day it might became a real live boy.
Heard on Ferguson, May 24, 2007:
Michael Jackson is in the Middle
East. Bahrain. He's appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It's
a children's birthday party. It's only $10 million, but it's all Michael could
afford.
Heard on Conan, June 15, 2007:
It's been reported that during the
brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from
Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris,
"There's nothing I can do for you. You're already a white lady."
Heard on Conan, July 10, 2007:
Celebrity wishes for the new Harry
Potter movie:
Nicole Richie: To see Harry and Hermione kiss.
Michael
Jackson: To see Harry turn thirteen.
Heard on Leno, August 8, 2007:
Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out
again. She says the problem with her husband's fundraising campaign is she can't
make him black, and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem with
Michael Jackson's people.
Heard on Letterman, October 1, 2007:
Top Ten Questions To Ask
Yourself Before Marrying Michael Jackson
10. Are OJ Simpson, Phil Spector
and Robert Blake spoken for?
9. Does the hyperbaric chamber fit two?
8.
Technically, is Michael the bride or the groom?
7. Is the best man a
llama?
6. Will it bother me when he uses my make-up?
5. If I do this,
which one of us will people call 'the crazy one'?
4. Can I put up with being
a 'football widow' during the NFL season?
3. What would Liza Minnelli
do?
2. Will he let me raise our monkeys Jewish?
1. How long can I put off
consummating this thing?
Heard on Letterman, October 2, 2007:
Top Ten Ways George W. Bush
Can Boost His Approval Rating
10. Play comical slide-whistle every time
he screws up
9. Release NSA wiretaps of Jessica Biel's hot phone
conversations
8. Tell everyone "W" stands for "Whoa, this guy's
awesome!"
7. Help O.J. find the real memorabilia
6. Send 20,000 troops to
stop Michael Jackson's wedding
5. Devote weekly radio address to
discuss what's happening on "The Hills"
4. What do you mean "boost"?
Everything's great!
3. Co-star in a movie with a monkey
2. Go on
television; Say, "You know what? I did lose in 2000"; Hand over the keys to
Gore
1. Appoint blue ribbon commission to find out what happened to the
Mets
Heard on Leno, October 5, 2007:
Hillary Clinton says that she wants
give every baby born in America $5,000. Today Michael Jackson said, "I'll make
it $6,000."
Heard on Letterman, October 9, 2007:
News from the world of show
business. Michael Jackson will appear on a British television show as a teacher
for 14-year-old kids. I don't see a problem there.
Heard on Letterman, September 1, 2008:
By the way, another
celebrity birthday -- Michael Jackson... Michael Jackson's having a birthday, 50
years old today. Fifty years old today, yep, and it's also his 20th anniversary
of being creepy. But he had his annual physical, and the doctor said that
Michael Jackson is in great shape for 50. As a matter of fact, he said he has
the body of a much younger woman.
Heard on Conan, September 1, 2008:
Michael Jackson turned 50 today
and he said he wants to spend the day watching cartoons with his kids. Then
tomorrow, he'll go back to watching cartoons with someone else's kids.
Heard on Ferguson, September 2, 2008:
Michael Jackson turned 50
last week. He's technically a senior citizen. He'll be saying, "You kids get
onto my lawn."
Michael Jackson 'becomes a Muslim and changes name to Mikaeel',
November 21, 2008:
Beleaguered pop star Michael Jackson has converted to
Islam and changed his name to Mikaeel, it has been claimed today.
The
50-year-old singer, who has previously been photographed wearing a traditional
Arab women's veil, reportedly became a Muslim in a ceremony at a friend's house
in Los Angeles.
The singer, who was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, is said to
have sat on the floor and worn a small hat while an imam officiated at the home
of Steve Porcaro, who composed music on his Thriller album.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1088225/Michael-Jackson-Muslim-changes-Mikaeel.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/3494296/Michael-Jackson-converts-to-Islam-and-changes-name-to-Mikaeel.html
http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/2008/11/21/Report-Michael-Jackson-converts-to-Islam/UPI-13801227284529/
Heard on Ferguson, January 26, 2009:
Here's an interesting story:
Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson's
"Thriller". It's an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns
into an undead freak. I don't know what the musical is about...
Heard on Ferguson, February 16, 2009:
Doctors are saying that
Michael Jackson might have a flesh-eating infection, which is very surprising to
me, because I'm thinking they're parts to Michael Jackson that are still
flesh?
Jacko's Junko: 2,000 Of Michael Jackson's Items Going To Auction,
February 18, 2009:
LOS ANGELES - The King of Pop is lightening his
load.
At an April auction featuring more than 2,000 personal items, Michael
Jackson is set to sell his American Music Award for "Thriller," a velvet cape
given to him by his children for Father's Day in 1998, a pair of
rhinestone-trimmed socks from 1981, a basketball signed by Michael Jordan and
his own original artwork.
The 50-year-old singer is also parting with his
platinum and gold records, a customized Harley Davidson and a Rolls Royce
limousine.
The five-day sale was announced in December by Julien's Auctions,
but the full extent of the items available wasn't known until Tuesday, when the
auction house released images of the lots. The auction begins April 21.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/17/jackos-junko-2000-of-mich_n_167757.html
The Collection of Michael Jackson, King of Pop: a Once in a Lifetime
Auction Featuring The Personal Property of Michael Jackson
April 22nd -
25th, 2009
Exhibition: 9900 Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills, California 90210,
Adjacent to The Beverly Hilton
April 14th - April 21st (10:00 a.m. - 6:00
p.m. Daily)
$20.00 per person for Exhibition and Auction
Auction: 9900
Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills, California 90210, Adjacent to The Beverly
Hilton
April 22nd: Session I: Garden Statuary and Outdoor Furniture, Session
II: Furniture and Decorative Arts
April 23rd: Session III: Furniture and
Decorative Arts, Session IV: Antiques, Paintings and Fine Decorative
Art
April 24th: Session V: Amusements, Arcade Games and Disneyana. Session
VI: Amusements, Arcade Games and Disneyana
April 25th: Session VII:
Memorabilia From the Life and Career of Michael Jackson, Session VIII:
Memorabilia From the Life and Career of Michael Jackson
http://www.juliensauctions.com/
Heard on Kimmel, March 5, 2009:
Michael Jackson held a press
conference to announce 10 shows he's planning. For a person who treats his face
like a Mr. Potato Head, he looks pretty good.
Poem up for auction
Michael Jackson's poem with the refrain
Children of the world, we'll do
it
With song and dance and innocent bliss
And the soft caress of a loving
kiss
We'll do it.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ries/michael-jacksons-naughty-poem-6y
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-lundberg/michael-jacksons-disturbi_b_172541.html
Heard on Ferguson, March 10, 2009:
Michael Jackson has announced
some concert dates. At the press conference he gave what looked like a Nazi
salute. Nothing says I've still got the crazy like a Nazi salute.
A lot of
people say Michael Jackson is a freak. I say no. He's just a disturbed man-child
lost in a creepy dream world.
Jackson Property Sale Cancelled, April 15, 2009:
A planned auction of more
than 1,000 items from the former home of pop star Michael Jackson has been
cancelled.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7999307.stm
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/14/jackson.auction/
http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/14/and-its-off/?hp
http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/2335883/Michael-Jackson-auction-cancelled/
http://www.forbes.com/2009/04/14/michael-jackson-auction-lifestyle-collecting-michael-jackson.html
Heard on Kimmel, April 29, 2009:
Everyone in Mexico right now looks
like Michael Jackson with those face masks they're wearing.
W&M breaks simultaneous 'Thriller' dance record, May 15, 2009:
A group
of College of William & Mary students has won the world record for most
people assembled to dance Michael Jackson's "Thriller" simultaneously in one
place. The 242-person routine was organized by longtime Jackson superfan Kevin
Dua, who was notified by Guiness World Records on Friday morning of the
accomplishment. The previous record was 147 people in an event held last summer
at a British secondary school.
http://www.seattlepi.com/pop/1403ap_us_record_breaking_thriller.html
http://www.wvec.com/news/topstories/stories/wvec_local_051509_wm_thriller_record.68a8eb5.html
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090515/ap_en_mu/us_record_breaking__thriller
http://www.salon.com/wires/ap/entertainment/2009/05/15/D986RM500_us_record_breaking__thriller_/
http://music.aol.ca/article/wm-breaks-simultaneous-thriller-dance-record/625263/
View J. Chandler's deposition http://thesmokinggun.com/archive/mjdec1.html
at The Smoking Gun http://www.thesmokinggun.com/
Michael
Jackson settled the lawsuit for about $20 million, and no criminal charges were
ever filed. Michael Jackson fan Heidi has comments at mjfanmail.html#heidi
Warning:
The deposition contains some graphic accounts. Skip over it if you do not wish
to read them.
DECLARATION OF J. CHANDLER
I, J. Chandler,
declare:
1. I am the plaintiff in this lawsuit against Michael Jackson. I was
born on January 11, 1980 and am 13 years old. I am currently in the eighth
grade. I first met Michael Jackson when I was five years old at a restaurant
that my mother, stepfather and I often went to.
2. In about May of 1992 I met
Michael Jackson again at my stepfather's car rental business, Rent-a-Wreck. My
stepfather called me and told me that Michael Jackson was at Rent-a-Wreck and
that I should come down and see him. Later I learned from my stepfather that
Michael Jackson's car had broken down and that he was at Rent-a-Wreck to get
another car while his was being repaired.
3. After I met Michael Jackson at
Rent-a-Wreck he began calling me on the telephone. From about May of 1992 until
about February 1993 (when I first spent the weekend with Michael Jackson at
Neverland), I received many telephone calls from Michael Jackson. For at least
part of this time Michael Jackson was on tour and he would be calling me from
various places throughout the world. On occasion these telephone conversations
lasted as long as three hours. Michael Jackson and I talked about video games,
the Neverland Ranch, water fights, and famous people that he knew.
4. In
about February 1993, my mother, Lily (my half sister), and I went to Neverland
at the invitation of Michael Jackson. The three of us stayed together in the
guest area. I did not spend the nights with Michael Jackson. This was a weekend
trip.
5. I spent the entire weekend with Michael Jackson. We went on jet skis
in a small lake he had, saw the animals that he kept at Neverland, played video
games and went on golf cart rides. One evening he took Lily and me to Toys 'R Us
and we were allowed to get anything we wanted. Although the store was closed, it
was opened just for our visit.
6. In late March 1993, my mother, Lily and I
went to Las Vegas as a guest of Michael Jackson. We flew on a private airplane.
We stayed at a large suite at the Mirage Hotel. My mother and Lily shared a
bedroom. We stayed at the Mirage Hotel about a week. One night Michael Jackson
and I watched the Exorcist in Michael Jackson's bedroom. When the movie was
over, I was scared. Michael Jackson suggested that I spend the night with him,
which I did. Although we slept in the same bed there was no physical
contact.
7. From that time, whenever Michael Jackson and I were together, we
slept in the same bed. We spent two or three additional nights in the same bed
at Las Vegas. Again, there was no physical contact.
8. After I returned from
the Las Vegas trip, my friendship with Michael Jackson became much closer. My
mother Lily and I started making frequent trips to Neverland. At Neverland I
would always sleep in bed with Michael Jackson. I also slept in bed with Michael
Jackson at my house and at hotels in New York, Florida and Europe. We were
together until our relationship ended in July 1993. During our relationship
Michael Jackson had sexual contact with me on many occasions.
9. Physical
contact between Michael Jackson and myself increased gradually. The first step
was simply Michael Jackson hugging me. The next step was for him to give me a
brief kiss on the cheek. He then started kissing me on the lips, first briefly
and then for a longer period of time. He would kiss me while we were in bed
together.
10. The next step was when Michael Jackson put his tongue in my
mouth. I told him I did not like that. Michael Jackson started crying. He said
there was nothing wrong with it. He said that just because most people believe
something is wrong, doesn't make it so.
11. Michael Jackson told me that
another of his young friends would kiss him with an open mouth. Michael Jackson
said that I did not love him as much as this other friend.
12. The next step
was when Michael Jackson rubbed up against me in bed. The next step was when we
would lie on top of each other with erections.
13. During May of 1993, my
mother, Lily and I went with Michael Jackson to Monaco in Europe. Michael
Jackson and I both had colds so we stayed in the room all day while my mother
and Lily were out. That's when the whole thing really got out of hand. We took a
bath together. This was the first time that we had seen each other naked.
Michael Jackson named certain of his children friends that masturbated in front
of him.
14. Michael Jackson then masturbated in front of me. He told me that
when I was ready, he would do it for me. While we were in bed, Michael Jackson
put his hand underneath my underpants. He then masturbated me to a climax. After
that Michael Jackson masturbated me many times both with his hand and with his
mouth.
15. Michael Jackson had me suck one nipple and twist the other nipple
while Michael Jackson masturbated. On one occasion when Michael Jackson and I
were in bed together Michael Jackson grabbed my buttock and kissed me while he
put his tongue in my ear. I told him I didn't like that. Michael Jackson started
to cry.
16. Michael Jackson told me that I should not tell anyone what had
happened. He said that this was a secret.
17. My relationship with Michael
Jackson ended when my father obtained custody of me in July 1993 and I started
living permanently at my father's house.
I declare under penalty of perjury
that the foregoing is true and correct.
Executed on December 28, 1993, at
Santa Monica, California.
J. Chandler
Chandler deposition
http://www.kingofpopnews.com/chandler_statement.html
Wikipedia overview of the Chandler case
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1993_child_molestation_allegations_against_Michael_Jackson
Transcript of an interview of Chandler
http://web.archive.org/web/20041018171341/atgbook.net/jordie.html
Payment to Chandler in 1994
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0616041jacko1.html
Was Michael Jackson framed? The Untold Story By Mary A. Fisher, GQ,
October 1994
http://www.mjnewsonline.com/mj.txt
Review of the GQ article
http://web.archive.org/web/20050208010747/atgbook.net/GQFinal.html
Where is CourtTV http://courttv.com/ when
you need it???
The People of The State of California v. Michael Joseph Jackson
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005_trial_of_Michael_Jackson
According to http://www.bottledwaterweb.com/articles/avw-0003.htm
Michael Jackson orders 32 cases of Evian bottled water at a time so that he can
bathe in it.
For a 1996 performance in Taipei, Michael Jackson requested a hotel room
remodeled to add a dance floor and a fully equipped private kitchen. The hotel
also placed a large-screen TV and a VCR at the foot of his bed so that he could
watch tapes of his own concerts, plus a selection of 500 movies (mainly Disney,
animated and Charlie Chaplin films), or play his favorite Nintendo games.
Michael Jackson's suite, decorated with his trademark black and red balloons,
was stocked with his favorite snacks -- peanut butter sandwiches, chicken
burgers, Twix bars, M&Ms and 200 cases of Evian mineral water, in which he
reputedly bathes. http://www.asiaweek.com/asiaweek/96/1025/feat2.html
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to his credit card?
A: You are not alone,
I am plastic too.
Michael Jackson's Special to Rerun on CBS (Jan 14, 2002) http://www.yomomma.com/2002_01_13_archive.html:
Oh,
don't call it a come back, he's been here for months!
Strangely enough, since
the special first aired in November, Michael's changed faces over 12
times.
Stay tuned next month, when CBS will air a special "One Month
Anniversary of the Rerun of the 30 Year Anniversary Michael Jackson
Special".
The highlight of the special is when Michael is reunited with his
brothers, the Jackson Five: Tito Jackson, Jessie Jackson, Joshua Jackson, Hugh
Jackman, and Jack Nicholson. What a strange family they have!
The highlight
of this broadcast will be a never-before-shown performance of Britney Spears
with Michael Jackson.
Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have known each
other for a long time, since they both use the same plastic
surgeon.
Apparently, Justin Timberlake is now really worried that Britney
will move on to a new gay boyfriend.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Taping of the Jackson Family Special
from David Letterman, February 21, 1994
10. How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?
9. Once again, please
welcome the Jackson family lawyers!
8. No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon
too!
7. That's odd ... I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'.
6. More
fudge, Miss Taylor?
5. Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy
...
4. Good News. Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating
Michael.
3. What's LaToya doing with that lead pipe?
2. It's great to see
Michael grabbing himself again.
1. Sing something, you weirdo!
Top Ten Signs You're Tired of the Olympics from David
Letterman, February 25, 1994
10. All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough.
9. You
imagine your hands around the throat of that coke-drinking polar bear.
8. You
say, "Oh good, 'Hangin with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight."
7. Whenever the
Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your
hand.
6. You're NBC President Warren Littlefield.
5. You decide against
naming your baby girl Picabo.
4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've started
using your five gold medals as coasters.
3. Actually watched "The Jackson
Family Honors".
2. You beg your son to let you return home to
Indiana.
1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly.
Top Ten Rejected Holiday Specials from David Letterman,
December 10, 1996
10. Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem
9. A Creepy, Creepy Christmas
with Michael Jackson
8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!"
7. A Country
Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her
Family
6. The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus
5. Christmas at Riker's Island:
It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life
4. Bob Dole Remembers the Very First
Christmas
3. Skunk `n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta
2. The President Who Ate
Christmas
1. Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza
Top Ten Attractions At The New Michael Jackson Theme Park from
David Letterman, July 14, 1998
10. Latoya-Go-Round
9. Diseased Chimp Petting Zoo
8. Mr. Toad's Wild
Hyperbaric Chamber
7. Country Bear Crotch-Grabbin' Jamboree
6. Michael's
Haunted Pants
5. Guess Tito's Weight
4. Used Surgical Mask
Trampoline
3. 20,000 Leagues Under The Scalpel
2. The Lipo-Coaster
1.
Deposition Land
Top Ten Killer Bee Pet Peeves from David Letterman, September
14, 1994
10. Horizontal stripes make you look fat.
9. Can't sting Zsa Zsa through
all that makeup.
8. Not one single killer bee in Congress.
7. Dershowitz
always tacks $300 dinners onto defense tab.
6. When other bees make fun of
the size of your stinger in the shower.
5. It's damn near impossible to get
those little packages of airline peanuts open!
4. That Honey-nut Cheerios bee
-- now there's a first class dweeb!
3. We're natural born killers, yet you
don't see Oliver Stone bustin' his ass to make a film about us.
2.
Plasticky aftertaste when you sting Michael Jackson.
1. What's the
deal with Johnny Depp?
Top Ten Signs Connie Chung Has Gone Nuts from David Letterman,
January 06, 1995
10. Signed off Evening News by french kissing Dan Rather
9. Shows up for
interviews in Catwoman costume
8. Has accepted marriage proposal from
Michael Jackson
7. Born to co-anchor tattoo
6. It was funny at first,
but now I'm tired of her busting into my house
5. Closes every broadcast with
a Helen Reddy song
4. Thinks CBS eye is watching her in dressing room
3.
Yesterday at CBS commissary, knocked Mike Wallace senseless over the last
burrito
2. Now trying to have a baby with Richard Simmons
1. While in bed
with Maury, keeps yelling, "This just in!"
Top Ten Things Overheard at Graceland on Elvis' 60th Birthday from
David Letterman, January 09, 1995
10. It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!
9. Did
that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?
8. I'm sorry, Mr.
Jackson, the monkey will have to wait outside the gate.
7. I hear Elvis'
ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima.
6. Put that gun away -- this
ain't the White House.
5. Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut
butter!
4. My name is Mario Cuomo, and I'll be your Graceland tour
guide.
3. It could've been worse. She could have married Tito.
2. If Elvis
were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you like to eat that in
here?'
1. I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!
Top Ten MTV Video Music Award Categories Michael Jackson is Nominated
In from David Letterman, July 26, 1995
10. Best editing of facial features
9. Outstanding performance in ongoing
police investigation
8. Weirdest male artist
7. Weirdest female
artist
6. Best performance in a black and white video by artist who isn't
really either
5. New video by guy with a brother named Tito
4. Best singer
who talks just like Mike Tyson
3. Least life-like nose
2. Best acting in a
marriage
1. Best new face
Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If it Were Covered With
Water from David Letterman, July 28, 1995
10. Packwood putting the moves on a Manatee
9. Top prize for "The Price is
Right": Towels!
8. Kevin Costner makes hideously expensive movie about life
on dry land
7. It would be "The Blowfish and Hootie," my friend
6. Cab
drivers would be forced to bathe whether they want to or not
5. Lots of talk
on court TV about O.J.'s "bloody flippers"
4. Michael Jackson would have
plastic surgery to look more like a Sea Bass
3. It would be considered
perfectly good manners to leak out the window
2. I'd host the show wearing
nothing but a Speedo
1. All Mets games rained out
Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming from David Letterman,
January 04, 1996
10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives.
9.
No more snow for Giants fans to throw.
8. Outside chance the cast of
"Friends" will spontaneously combust.
7. Boardrooms across America will begin
to look like those naked pictures in National Geographic.
6. Ed Sullivan
Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees.
5. Fat guys can make their own
gravy.
4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass.
3.
Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to vendor).
2.
Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face
melts.
1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J.
will catch real killers.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys from David Letterman,
February 29, 1996
10. Coolio's gonna put an eye out with that hair!
9. Waiter, there's a
nose ring in my soup
8. I can't wait to see who wins 'Best Paternity
Settlement'
7. Courtney Love, please report to Lost and Found to pick up your
stash
6. Thank God Letterman isn't hosting
5. Kiss is here? I thought all
those guys were dead
4. Uh oh -- they've got Eddie Vedder seated next to the
guy from Ticketmaster
3. Mr. Jackson, I believe your monkey is in my
seat
2. I don't care if you are the president of the United States -- get
the hell out of my dressing room
1. Coolio -- Julio, Julio -- Coolio
Top Ten Good Things About Having a Clone from David Letterman,
February 26, 1997
10. Send your clone to work in the morning, then spend rest of day watching
UP and eating fudge.
9. The two of you can star in an adorable ad campaign
for Xerox.
8. At parties, you're no longer automatically the biggest loser in
the room.
7. Most interstate highways now feature fast-moving clone
lane.
6. You'll get to know Michael Jackson during meetings of the Genetic
Oddities Club.
5. No longer have to choose between dating Siegfried and
dating Roy.
4. At some point, you'll have entire week of "Jenny Jones" shows
devoted to you.
3. Can take advantage of "Clones Eat Free" special at
Ponderosa.
2. Your clone can do your jail time while you continue on as First
Lady of the United States.
1. Three words: frequent flier miles
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys from David Letterman,
February 27, 1997
10. I don't know whether it was Milli or Vanilli, but one of them just parked
my car!
9. No, Dr. Kevorkian, we don't need any help with the `Unplugged'
segments.
8. I just found Robert Downey Jr. asleep on my dressing room
floor.
7. A confused Indonesian guy just gave a million dollars to the band,
Presidents of the United States of America.
6. It's only your acceptance
speech, Mrs. Clinton. You don't need a lawyer.
5. That's funny -- Marilyn
Manson looks completely normal standing next to Michael Jackson.
4. They
just brought in Da Noise, but Da Funk is stuck in traffic on the West Side
Highway.
3. Oh my God -- Hillary Clinton just left with Rob Zombie!
2.
Ellen DeGeneres announced she's a lesbian -- and so did Richard Simmons!
1.
Run for your lives! It's Tiny Tim!
Top Ten Rejected Ben and Jerry Flavors from David Letterman,
February 24, 1997
10. Rocky Roadkill
9. Cholesterol Chunk
8. Fudge Wapner
7. It Came
from Wolf Blitzer's Beard
6. Contraceptive Crunch
5. Last Will and
Testa-Mint
4. Marv Sherbert
3. Richard Simmons' Fruit Swirl
2.
Michael Jackson's White Chocolate
1. Cookies 'n' Crack
Top Ten Space Alien Pick-Up Lines from David Letterman, June
25, 1997
10. How about a close encounter of the pantsless kind?
9. Set phasers on
love
8. Are you a carbon-based model?
7. I'd like to wrap my 36 arms
around you
6. Are you up for some experimental probing?
5. Want me to
introduce you to E.T.?
4. Care to join the Million-Mile High Club?
3. Mind
if I burst out of your stomach?
2. Nice asteroid
1. Hi, I'm Michael
Jackson
Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines from David Letterman,
September 29, 1997
10. Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before?
9. Just close your
eyes and pretend you're using a mouse.
8. Care to run your fingers through my
ridiculous five dollar haircut?
7. You haven't lived until you've watched
'Revenge of the Nerds' on laser disc.
6. Looking at you, I'm neither micro
nor soft.
5. Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making
billions of dollars.
4. How would you like to be my human laptop?
3. So,
who do I make the check out to?
2. I beat Michael Jackson for the title of
world's richest virgin.
1. I control
Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break from David
Letterman, April 09, 1999
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
9. Least-Jiggy Human
8. Sweatiest
Palm
7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
6. Most Times
in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
5.
Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
4. Most Times
Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
3. First Person To
Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis
Rodman
1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is
Open)
Top Ten Effects of Y2K from David Letterman, December 31,
1999
10. Stuff's gonna 'splode.
9. The Big Dipper will fall out of the sky and
kill a guy in Sweden.
8. Everyone's voice will suddenly sound exactly like
mine.
7. Michael Jackson will finally look in the mirror and say, "My God,
what the hell is wrong with me?"
6. There will be a new letter added to
the English alphabet--"Ngeepee."
5. A computer glitch will force Bill Gates
to pay off every American's credit card.
4. No more answering the phone by
saying: "Yello!"
3. Every kid will lose interest in that Pokemon crap.
2.
Ricky Martin will become even more "mantastic."
1. Despite assurances from
high-ranking officials that it could not happen, refuting decades of
conventional scientific wisdom, flying the in the face of smug predictions by
so-called experts, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will become even cheesier.
Top Ten Lisa Marie Presley/Nicolas Cage Explanations from David
Letterman, November 29, 2002
10. After three months, people grow apart.
9. She wanted Italian for
dinner. He wanted Chinese. So they decided to call it quits.
8. Their divorce
was part of an obscure provision of the Homeland Security Bill.
7. They owed
favors to a couple of divorce lawyers.
6. I don't know, we were
dehydrated?
5. Nicolas gradually realized that he wasn't going to meet
Elvis.
4. Another Saddam trick to deflect attention from his weapons
program.
3. He's always busy making movies and she's always busy with...
uh... whatever it is she does.
2. Lisa Marie intends to match Jennifer Lopez
marriage-for-marriage.
1. Once a woman's been married to Michael Jackson,
she has certain expectations.
Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Cold Is It?" from David
Letterman, January 21, 2003
10. It's so cold, Saddam Hussein has begun stockpiling weapons-grade tomato
soup.
9. It's so cold, Jennifer Lopez has been downgraded from "hot" to
"lukewarm".
8. It's so cold, I had to defrost my mail.
7. It's so cold,
exotic dancers only removing the first few layers of clothing.
6. It's so
cold, people are coming into the Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up.
5. It's so
cold, Richard Simmons is wearing long pants.
4. It's so cold, Hans Blix is
off to search for chemical weapons in Cancun.
3. It's so cold, people are
flocking to "Live with Regis and Kelly!" for the artificial warmth.
2. It's
so cold, not only is Ted Williams frozen, but so is Barry Bonds.
1. It's
so cold, Michael Jackson is dangling himself in front of a fireplace.
Top Ten Signs You Chose A Bad Plastic Surgeon from David
Letterman, July 21, 2006
10. You ask about his credentials, he shows you his fishing license
9. For
an extra $89.95, he'll paint your car
8. He is a graduate of Johns Goodman
University
7. You can now hear through your nose
6. Some doctors leave
their watch inside a patient, he once left a clock/radio
5. You're mistaken
for Kim Jong-Il more than you used to be
4. Your appointment is busted up by
a "Dateline" news crew
3. During your exam, he gets naked and draws dotted
lines all over himself
2. Twice a month, flies to Mexico for "parts"
1.
Sitting in the waiting room: Kenny Rogers
An aspiring young pop singer is approached by his manager who can take this
boy to a special 'Music Heaven' to make him a great success in music. They
arrive in this 'Music heaven'.
Manager: Look kid, this is the place to
be....look there's Jimmy Hendrix, there's Elvis Presley.
Singer: Oh
yeah...and look, there's John Lennon...
Manager: That's right kid....this is
the place to be.
Singer: Hold on...this can't be right...
Manager: What's
that Kid...
Singer: Well look over there...on top of that lighted laser
partition..... IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
Manager: (starts to giggle) Oh no
kid....that's just God...he thinks he's Michael Jackson.
If
1: god is not black or white
2: god is not male or female
3: god
is not straight or gay
Then: god must be Michael Jackson
Q: Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get
to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
Q: What kind of milk is Michael Jackson?
A: Half and half.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson bleached his skin again?
He's so white
that if he bleaches his skin any more, he'll become invisible.
When he walks
down the beach, you will see just his foot prints moonwalking in the sand and
hear an occasional "Hee hee hee!"
Q: Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
A: So he
could be black again.
Q: What do you get if you cross Michael Jackson with Arnold
Schwarzenegger?
A: Michael Warzenegger (Michael Was-a-nigga) (No
disrespect intended to Arnold Schwarzenegger or black people)
Michael Jackson as a Diva
Michael Jackson has just commissioned his plastic surgeon to do just one more
operation.
His request to the surgeon was to do anything to keep people from
staring at his nose.
The doctor surprised Michael and came up with a
solution.
Upon the viewing after the bandages were removed, all agreed that
the doctor was very creative and the operation was a huge success.
Nobody
will look at his nose again.
Q: Who is the greatest man ever?
A: Michael Jackson, because he was born a
poor black boy in Gary, Indiana, and grew up to become a rich white woman in
Europe.
Only in America can a poor lil black kid turn into a rich white woman!
Michael Jackson went out on the front porch to get the newspaper so he could
read the latest about himself. The door closed and locked behind him, so he had
to use the doorbell. His mother opened the door and looked out. After an
exchange of words, she called to her husband, "There's a white woman with a
monkey on the front porch. Claims she's our son."
Q: How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
A: They're both
whiter than they should be.
Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A: The Hand that
Robs the Cradle.
MJ has signed a contract with Disney for a new movie -- "Honey I enlarged the
kid!"
Q: What's Michael's next movie?
A: Honey I Blew the Kid.
Q: What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
A: The
African Queen.
Q: What's Michael's favorite group?
A: New Kids on the C**k.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every
night?
A: Hanson.
Michael's new group: The Jackson Five and Under!
What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
* There's a sucker born every
minute,
* Kids do the darndest things.
* Tricks are for kids.
Little known fact:
While in San Diego [ in July 1989 ], Dan Quayle called
Michael Jackson and congratulated him on the 20th Anniversary of his
moonwalk.
Bart Simpson quote:
"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something
they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson."
The other night in Las Vegas Michael Jackson went to see Siegfried & Roy
show.
Afterwards Siegfried & Roy said, "Well, that was the first show we
weren't the weirdest people in the room".
Top Ten Michael Jackson Marriage Tips from David Letterman,
June 14, 1995
10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device.
9. Be considerate
-- try not to hog the monkey.
8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a
minimum.
7. Apologize after saying something like "I wished I'd married the
remains of the elephant man instead of you!"
6. Whenever wife complains about
how freakin' weird you are, show her a picture of Prince
5. Make it clear
that as far as she is concerned, your pants are neverland.
4. Pretend not to
notice when she flirts with other androgynous freaks.
3. Maintain joint
account with Revlon.
2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are
identical twins.
1. Two words: Beat it!
Q: Why are Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson considered related?
A: They
both own amusement parks, both wear gloves, both are black with white faces, and
both have high-pitched voices.
What were Lisa-Marie's newlywed complaints about Michael Jackson?
* He
leaves the lid off the mascara, causing it to dry out.
* That battleaxe Liz
Taylor never calls before she comes over.
* She suspects he's using her to
get to Elvis' bones.
* He touches her kids more than he touches her.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie are splitting up?
A: Michael
misunderstood when they discussed having children.
Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble in Michael Jackson's Marriage
from David Letterman, November 19, 1996
10. Their plastic surgeons aren't speaking to each other.
9. She's
constantly screaming, "You're no Tito!"
8. She's filed a restraining order to
make him "cut out that Moonwalking crap".
7. Her parents just found out that
Michael Jackson used to be black.
6. She's discovered that he's not exactly a
"Thriller" in the sack.
5. They're always fighting over the mascara.
4.
When he removed his surgical mask, she said, "Michael Jackson? I thought I was
marrying Michael Jordan!"
3. They just can't agree on whether to raise their
child as a freak or a weirdo.
2. Sign on her bedroom door says,
"Neverland".
1. She's started dating O.J.
Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley
Marriage from David Letterman, August 05, 1994
10. Michael going through noses faster than ever.
9. She's flirting with
Tito.
8. If two completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it,
then these kids don't have a chance.
7. Lately, Michael's been acting kind of
weird.
6. Four words: Marriage tips from Liz.
5. Michael caught wearing
another woman's make-up.
4. He put the Club on the bedroom door.
3.
Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi.
2. She wants the toilet seat
left down, and he... well, actually, no trouble there.
1. Now they're both
touching themselves.
Top Ten Signs the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Marriage is in Trouble
from David Letterman, November 14, 1994
10. Michael looking pale and weird lately.
9. Their Christmas card is a
copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
8. They no longer share the
Maybelline.
7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
6.
Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
5. She likes Wendy's, he's an Arby's
man.
4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training
program that would teach her to moonwalk.
3. She's making eyes at other
androgynous freaks.
2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex
life.
1. He's grabbing himself again.
Top Ten Lisa Marie's Complaints about Michael Jackson from David
Letterman, December 02, 1994
10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games.
9. Keeps forgetting
to put the cap back on the mascara.
8. That moonwalking crap gets old real
fast.
7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that...
6. I know I'm his
wife--but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
5. Jackson 5 closer to 4
and 5/8ths.
4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he
wants.
3. Chugs a couple of buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores
like a son-of-a-bitch.
2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of
chimp!
1. He's a great big freak!
Could you imagine the problems if they had kids?
Marie is an
agnostic.
Michael Jackson is a Jehovah's Witness.
Their kids would have
been going around knocking on doors for no reason whatsoever.
Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson
1. Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during
Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.
2. Refused her pleas for separate make-up
mirrors.
3. Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.
4.
Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But
what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
5. In all their
months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter
sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.
6.
Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.
7. She was
shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any
real military organization.
8. He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers
to toughen up his image.
9. Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's
supporting you through some sordid allegation.
10. Stood in the way of her
film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait
Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.
11. The all-night Kool Aid
and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that
'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.
12. She felt pressured to buy
hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake
of family peace.
13. Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis
didn't have kids THEY could marry.
14. Swears she thought she was marrying
Michael Keaton.
15. She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a
50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate
milk and Pez stupor.
16. He told her to "just beat it" one too many
times.
17. He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone
"Hollywood".
18. She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was
already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain
weight.
19. He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.
20.
Irreconcilable similarities.
The Top 19 Michael Jackson Parenting Tips
19. Rather than spanking, threaten to have Tito baby sit.
18. When the
child does something wrong, grab your crotch, thrust it forward, and scream,
"BAD!"
17. Elephant Man bones make a nifty over-the-crib mobile.
16. You
should always being willing to share your toys... and so should your child, for
that matter.
15. Little friends are always welcome, once they've signed the
standard release.
14. Keep baking soda handy to extinguish flaming
hair.
13. There's nothing a spoonful of sugar, a big hug, and $15,000,000
can't fix.
12. Teach your child, "Beauty is only skin deep -- but hey, a few
face peels never hurt anybody."
11. Wait until your child can effectively bob
and weave before allowing him to spend the weekend with his grandpa.
10. At
birthday parties, don't leave Elizabeth Taylor unattended at the punch
bowl.
9. Snug-fitting diapers will keep you from becoming the "King of
Poop".
8. That sheep in the petting zoo is only for Daddy.
7. Teach your
child not to spank the monkey.
6. It's OK to love your child, just don't LOVE
your child.
5. Frequent plastic surgery keeps your kids feeling and looking
*fresh*!
4. Spankings are okay -- but stop if the little tyke's hand gets
sore.
3. Let the child pick his nose -- from a catalog.
2. Remove glove
*before* changing diaper.
And The Number 1 Michael Jackson Parenting
Tip...
1. Don't let your child play with Madonna's child -- some people are
just too WEIRD.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Celebrated His 36th Birthday from
David Letterman, September 01, 1994
10. Plays pin-the-nose-on-the-donkey.
9. Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked
by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched wrestling till he fell asleep.
8.
Received novelty drinking mug that says "World's Greatest Reclusive
Freak."
7. A champagne celebration with his wife, the monkey and that super
short guy.
6. Doing what he always does -- acting really weird.
5. Goes
0-4 against the Tidewater Mets (Sorry, that's how Michael Jordan celebrated his
birthday).
4. Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice
higher.
3. Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden; chased him
around the house with a rake.
2. Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday
cake.
1. Two words: grabbing himself.
Top 71 Signs Your Days As A Child Television Star Are Over:
http://club.euronet.be/patrick.verboven/The-House-of-Lists/keepers/961012.html
1. MICHAEL JACKSON stops calling you. - the gloved one
2. You have
your own talk show. - Me
3. The only screen time you get is on a convenience
store security camera. - Big Fitz
4. People stop calling your cocaine
addiction "cute". - BRF
5. You play bingo and watch Matlock on a weekly
basis. - oLd FoGiE
6. Nagging calls from "Where are they now?" reporters. -
bri
7. You can't stay out of jail long enough to go to work. - Dana
Plato
8. You make a guest appearance on TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes.
- I'm Not Telling
9. When Teen Beat stops harassing you. -
!@#$%^&*!!!!!!!
10. People keep calling you "Punky". - rod
11. When
your hair style is older than the stylist. - hard core Republican
12. They
figure out that you can't actually act. - Nimhu
13. You rob your first 7-11.
- Pink Tacky Bird
14. You grow taller than 4-foot-6. - Emmanuel "Webster
Long-Papadopolis" Lewis
15. You star in a Mc Donald's commercial. - Ronald Mc
D.
16. Your dimples become pimples. - bri
17. When you're twin reaches
puberty before you (full house). - tired of reruns
18. When Madonna gives you
a call. - Sarah Griffin
19. You're considered "Home-Alone" only until your
wife returns. - Synapsis
20. Your photo is at the post office...but not on a
stamp. - todd bridges
21. Two Words: Hollywood Squares. - Taco Bob
22.
Parkinson's makes it a bit hard to read the script. - Jen
23. One
word...Puberty!!! - Growing Pains
24. You're a regular on Geraldo. - Danny
Bonaduchi
25. When people talk about you in the past tense. - :-( nobody
remembers me... (the kid from Home Alone)
26. Your best friend is MICHAEL
JACKSON. - Macaulay Culkin
27. MICHAEL JACKSON is their agent. - Boot
Daddy
28. You are spending all the money you made on cigarettes. -
biach
29. I think that if your boss says "You're fired" for no reason it
means something - uh... my name? uh... I forgot
30. You're offered a gig
doing "Depends" commercials. - with Debbie Reynolds
31. They start looking
for talents other than screaming. - Macaulay Culkin
32. You star in Richie
Rich. - Bozo the Prez
33. Even your grandchildren don't go to your movies
anymore. - kewl guy
34. Cher won't ask you out anymore. - J.D.
35. Sexy
Grandma magazine offers you a pictorial layout. - Therion
36. When Dana Plato
and Todd Bridges stops by for a visit. - Gary Coleman
37. You get arrested. -
Dominican
38. You have more chins than Emmies. - Burt Ward
39. When
producers will only hire you as the grandma of the leading boy. - 64 and going
10
40. He knocks over a liquor store when his tell all book is out. - M.J.
FOX
41. The battle over the money with your parents begin. - dave
42.
You're wearing diapers.......and you're over 7. - Rocky V
43. Lost too many
days on set because of PMS - and placed second in Sharon Stone look-alike
contest.
44. Your sister serves you a dead bird for supper. -
Demonspawn
45. O boy. People are mean with the Michael Jackson
jokes..............but they're so true! - ASSAULT - Go look at some
46.
TV movies about your struggle to the top and eventual downfall begin. -
mirjen
47. They look for a younger kid to play your part. - McCauly
Coulkin
48. Your mom fired you! - Lil Pete
49. When you star as the
grandpa in the show about your rise and fall in showbiz. - 64 and going
10
50. What do you mean over? I shave 4 times a day and I'm better than ever.
- Robin Williams
51. Fiebre del Sabado. - Fey
52. Lassie won't come home.
- DMC
53. You stop feeling like Shirly Tempel. - big D.
54. You have
pimples all over your face and a huge gap between your teeth. - by ME
55.
When you rob a Las Vegas video store for drug money. - Dana Plato
56. You
check into a Betty Ford Clinic. - Hooked on cookies
57. You appear on a talk
show with the cast of "What's Happening". - dave
58. Your prostate is now
larger than your bicycle. - Joe Peshi
59. The rest of the crew tries to beam
you out into space; when that doesn't work, they try and shove you out an
airlock... - Wesley Crusher
60. Because ... - Sam
61. Your agent suggests
you start wearing dresses with lower neck-lines and higher hem-lines. - D.
Barrymore
62. When you start smoking crack. - Todd Bridges
63. The
Lolita-Fan-Club loses interest. - in what?
64. That darn puberty thing... -
Believe me, it happens!
65. When you get a job as a Nickolodian. - gareth
matthews
66. You get pregnant. - fredrica
67. U become an entertainment
stuff journalist. - Lubetski
68. You enter charity boxing matches with other
child TV stars. - The Partridge Family
69. They do an episode about your
first period. - It's not that cute.
70. Quincy Jones sues you for divorce. -
Mod Squad
71. Someone comes out with a biography of your life. - Timmy
OJ's Voice Mail
"Hello, this is the Law Office of Robert Shapiro.
If you have information regarding the OJ Simpson trial, please press one. If
you..."
BEEEEP
"If you saw a one-armed man running from the scene, please
press one.
If you don't know who OJ is, and would like to serve on the jury,
please press two.
If you've ever scored with Nicole, by yourself or with
others, please press three.
If you're Michael Jackson and you would
like to take care of the kids, please press four.
If you have pictures of any
LA cop at a KKK cross burning, please press five.
If you have pictures of
that bitch prosecutor with a German shepherd, please press six.
If you saw a
spacecraft hovering over the scene of the crime, please press seven.
If you
think it couldn't be OJ because the Buffalo Bills always choke, please press
eight.
If you...." <click>
Aviophobic Celebrities: http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/entertainment/entertainment.asp?cid=phobias
Singer
Aretha Franklin has an extreme fear of flying. She won't travel on airplanes,
even for concerts clear across the country.
Actor and screenwriter Billy Bob
Thorton has canceled television appearances that required him to get on a
plane.
Muhammad Ali, former champion boxer.
Bob Bechel, political
analyst.
Ray Bradbury, science fiction writer.
Cher,
singer/actress.
Florence Henderson, actress.
Glenda Jackson, actress and
member of British Parliament.
Michael Jackson, singer.
John Madden,
sportscaster.
Bob Newhart, comedian/actor.
Ronald Reagan, former U.S.
President and actor.
Other celebrities with known phobias:
Actress Natalie Wood was hydrophobic
- her accidental death by drowning in the ocean in 1981 was very strange and
unsettling for those who knew her well.
Tennis champ André Agassi has a
phobia of spiders, according to Brooke Shields in a statement to the press in
October 1996.
Supernatural novelist Anne Rice has stated that she fears the
dark.
Actress Kim Basinger has a phobia of wide, open spaces.
Film
director Alfred Hitchcock had a peculiar fear of eggs, according to biographer
Donald Spoto.
Country star Lyle Lovett reportedly is afraid of
cows.
Pop singer Michael Jackson appears to have a phobia of germs
(referring to his obsessive wearing of a surgical-style mask when out in
public).
What do we have here?
/----\ /----\
| | /--\ /--\ | |
| | | | | | | |
\----/ \--/ \--/ \----/
| | | |
/|\ /|\ /|\ /|\
/ | \ / | \ / | \ / | \
/ | \ | | / | \
| | | |
| / \ / \ |
| / \ / \ |
/ \ / \
/ \ / \
/ \ / \
/ \ / \
--- Michael Jackson and Woody Allen out on a double date!
Lisa Marie Presley's Official Websites http://lisamariepresley.com/
On the website for Lisa's book I, Lisa Marie http://www.i-lisa-marie.com/ she has a
March 2003 statement:
Lisa Marie Presley is not married to Nicolas Cage, she
has never been a Scientologist, she has never taken drugs and has never met with
Michael Jackson as an adult.
View the History of Michael Jackson's Face http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html
Slide show of Michael Jackson's face http://www.doneanddusted.co.uk/nick/Movie2.html
Make your own version of Michael Jackson's face http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/
Michael Jackson's Face During Tour Announcement (March 09) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/05/michael-jacksons-face-dur_n_172242.html
Michael Jackson Age Progression http://www.forartist.com/forensic/modification/mj/jackson.htm
Michael Jackson is not the only celebrity with bad plastic surgery http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/
Michael Jackson defends himself at his Official Press Room http://mjnews.us/
Michael Jackson Unofficial Press Room http://www.mjnews.info/
Santa Barbara Sheriff parody site http://www.santabarbarasheriff.com/
Save Michael http://www.save-michael.com/
Michael Jackson World Network fan page http://www.mjworld.net/
Micheal Jackson news source http://mjjsource.com/
Fox News Story, Jacko May Claim 'Threats' by Mottola, July 12, 2002 http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,57512,00.html
Michael Jackson Gets an Oscar http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive/990615-01.html?hnav
Michael Jackson: Back In The Saddle Again http://www.brachman.com/jb_michaeljackson1.htm
Michael Jackson Screen Savers http://www.artistdesktopthemes.com/st/j/michael_jackson.dt.1.html
and http://cinemadesktopthemes.com/st/j/michael_jackson.dt.1.html
Michael Jackson Posters http://www.altocelebs.net/j/michael-jackson/
Michael Jackson Information Page http://www.celebritystorm.com/mcelebs/pics/MichaelJackson/
Michael Jackson Lyrics http://browse.lyrics.astraweb.com:2882/browse/bands/25/Michaeljackson.html
Michael Jackson Lyrics http://www.azlyrics.com/j/jackson.html
Michael Jackson King Of Pop http://www.angelfire.com/pop/cdoss/michaeljackson.html
All Michael Jackson http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/
The Jackson Twins: What Next for Michael & Janet? http://www.brightlightsfilm.com/25/jackson2.html
Michael Jackson Baby Drop (requires Flash) http://www.canal96.com/michael/
Michael Jackson Baby Drop by MadBlast.com http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=1804
and http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/jackson_baby_madblast.swf
and http://www.kicken.com/funnyfiles/WackoJacko.swf
Michael Jackson Bouncing Baby Balcony Bungee http://www.electric-chicken.co.uk/jacko.html
Michael Jackson calls Dr. Phil http://madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=3101
Michael Jackson prank calls http://www.ebaumsworld.com/michaeljackson-sb.html
Michael Jackson's Lost Interview (requires Flash) http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/michaels_lost_interview
Michael Jackson Jokes at The Joke File (check out the photos) http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rich/michaeljackson.html
Michael Jackson Jokes Directory at Gusworld http://www.gusworld.com.au/music/mjjokes.htm
What you need to nose about Michael Jackson http://humor.about.com/cs/michaeljackson/
Michael Jackson Injured in Game of "Got Your Nose" http://www.brokennewz.com/entertainment/jacksonnose.asp
Where is Michael Jackson's nose? http://www.modestypanel.com/mjackson/
Michael Jackson vs. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince http://www.grudge-match.com/History/prince-jackson.shtml
What Really Happened to Elian Gonzalez in the Closet? http://www.hypercenter.com/jokes/elian/elian05.htm
Wacko Jacko -- Guess who's black? http://www.holylemon.com/jacko
Take the "What Michael Jackson Are You" quiz http://www.liquidgeneration.com/quiz/jackson_quiz.asp
Michael Jackson Interview http://www.flashplayer.com/animation/jackointerview.html
Michael Jackson "I'll Beat It" Flash http://www.funnyflash.com/details.php?id=161
and http://www.funnyflash.com/films/A98/161/index.php?t=1118670945
Michael Jackson "I Never Copped a Feel" Flash http://www.funnyflash.com/details.php?id=139
and http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/michael-jackson-never-copped-a-feel.html
The Simpsons Beat It http://youtube.com/watch?v=ws6VIovW92A
Homer Simpson vs Michael Jackson http://youtube.com/watch?v=8Pf9gmysrk8
Michael Jackson and Bart Simpson - Happy Birthday Lisa http://youtube.com/watch?v=HVcN1eO64Mo
Michael Jackson vs. Gohan http://youtube.com/watch?v=_Uilu8Lct1Q
Michael Jackson Does the Bartman with Bart Simpson http://youtube.com/watch?v=YF72FyosSOo
Pop Waffle Vol 10: A Halloween Special http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ywhva17TyFQ
Michael Jackson top secret audio files http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/jackson_audio.swf
Dec 2003 "60 Minutes" interview transcript http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/12/28/60minutes/main590381.shtml
Follow Michael Jackson's case on Court TV http://www.courttv.com/news/jackson/index.html
Michael Jackson Celebrity Center at Fox News http://www.foxnews.com/foxlife/celebrity/jackson/index.html
TRUtalk goes behind the scenes at the Michael Jackson trial http://www.trutalk.us/
Freak: Inside the Twisted World of Michael Jackson http://books.compricer.com/1885840055
"I Never Copped a Feel" song parody http://www.ebaumsworld.com/nevercoppedafeel.html
Piss Off Michael Jackson http://www.magicalcloud.com/humor/pissmjoff.htm
Rape
Me My Friend http://www.magicalcloud.com/humor/rapeme.htm
Damon Scott & Bubbles http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=3076
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqRd_4wY8hs
Mini Michael Jackson http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=2813179
Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Jackson
Late night talk show liners archive http://www.newsmax.com/listliners.shtml
Search google for more Michael Jackson Jokes http://www.google.com/search?q=Michael+Jackson+Jokes
© 2012
